Post baby

I haven't been able to post anything for a while now because I was busy preparing for having and then caring for my new baby. He was born June 10th weighing 7lb. My children keep me so busy I never have time for the computer any more. I have some weight loss goals and am breastfeeding the infant and my toddler, who just hasn't been ready to wean and I don't have the heart to force him. I am working to create a gospel centered home for these precious spirits that God has entrusted me with.

Earlier this week I was on Facebook on my phone just quickly between activities, and some of the things I was reading suddenly felt like gossip to me. I realized this particular aspect was distinctly not good for my spirit. But there was something the day before that gave me a great idea and an opportunity to help someone in need that I wouldn't otherwise have known they were in need.  I continue to find myself torn between the good and bad aspects but that is the way it is with the use of any technology these days.

My husband was working two jobs for about the past year and a couple weeks after the baby came we were able to afford for him to quit one of them. This is a huge blessing for the whole family. Now he can be a greater support for me in my responsibilities around the house, and he can be more involved with the children. We are starting to set weekly goals together in family council each Sunday. We will have spiritual goals for ourselves and the family, fitness and health goals, and household maintenance goals. 

It feels so good to make my family the priority they should be in my life.

Steps 10 and 11: The ones you just can't check off the list.

I thought these fit well together, and while other steps also pair together well, these are different in that they both are things you need to do to maintain recovery for the rest of your life.  And I just need to get this blog caught up to where I am in the program.

Step 10 daily accountability - continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. This isn't something you do once and then you're done with it. Doing it today still means you have to do it again tomorrow. You can't just brush your teeth once and be done the rest of your life. Every day we are accountable for what we used that day to do. Are we productive with the time we receive that is a gift to us every day?  Every evening we should take some time to reflect on the day and how we used it.  Any mistakes we made or goals we failed to achieve we can commit to doing better the next day.  This is especially important to maintain the progress we have made and keep from relapsing back into our addiction.  If we do not focus daily on becoming better it is easy to fall back into old habits. 

This is something I personally struggle with.  I have never been very good at taking the time before bed to ponder, reflect, and pray.  My husband likes to watch shows together before bed, and when we decide to go to bed I typically feel too tired to do this.  So this is something I will be working on, and will likely work on for a very long time as I can see that it will be something I should do for the rest of my life, and I don't know when this will become a habit that is easy for me.

Step 11 personal revelation - seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and have the power to carry it out.  This is how we should begin each day, with a prayer seeking to know the Lord's will for us for that day.  He will not tell us everything, otherwise this life would not be a test.  But if we are not seeking to know His will, then when we need His guidance it will not be there for us.  Just as I will be working on step 10 for a long time I will likely also work on this for a long time.  I think both these things will be easier to incorporate into my life when my children are not quite so young.  If I don't at least try now then I will be missing out on strength and blessings that I could really use right now. 

It's that endure to the end concept.  Okay now that I've changed my heart, and overcome so many obstacles and am no longer absorbed in my addiction I need to take steps to insure that I stay as strong as I am now, and continue to progress on my journey.

Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation

Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

For me, and my addiction those harmed are my family, and the only real way to make restitution would be to change my habits. To spend more time with them, and to keep a clean functioning household. These are things I have been working on all through this process. I have felt the change in my heart that these things have become my priority. They used to just be things I knew should be a priority, and wanted them to be, but they weren't.  Now they are much more than ever before. And if you were to ask me when the change happened I honestly couldn't tell you, but now, when I look at my day I just do things much differently than I did when I was stuck in my addiction. The occasions when I do check Facebook I spend no more than 15 min. at a time there, and it is only after the needs of me and my children have been met. It just isn't as important to me any more.  This morning I woke up early, because for once I slept really good, and my first thought was, "now I have time to study my scriptures before the kids get up."  It used to be that such time would be spent checking Facebook without having to worry about being interrupted by children. I remember when I would forget to eat because I was so involved in Facebook. Now I get out of the house more, and have guests over more. Sometimes I go a couple days without getting on Facebook at all, and I don't even notice. So, I think I have made restitution to me and my family as much as possible. My children are still too young for me to ask forgiveness and have them know what I am talking about, and my husband forgave me the instant I started this program and worked to improve. I think I was able to forgive myself when God taught me that great lesson in humility during step 7. So now it is time to let the past be in the past, and look forward to each new day and the good things I will do to continue to progress.

Thoughts on last night's class. . . Cleansing the inner vessel.

Last night we studied step 10, but I haven't quite finished step 9, so these are my thoughts on some of the discussion we had in class.  No steps just reflection on progress, addictions in general and the total awesomeness of this program!

Through this whole journey I have still been using Facebook, and there has been a part of me that wasn't sure if I was really honestly working on my addiction. I was completing all the steps sincerely and they didn't seem to change the fact that I have friends there and enjoy interacting with them.  A man in class argued with me that since my addiction is just as real for me as any other is for anyone else I need to give up Facebook completely.  An alcoholic has to give up going to bars, a porn addict has to give up the internet. . . or set parental controls, a smoker has to give up cigarettes, so it's only right and makes sense that I should have to give up Facebook. . . in his mind.  Up until confronting him last night I wondered in the back of my mind if this was true.

There are two points to be made, one is that ultimately this isn't a Facebook addiction it is a Slothfulness addiction and Facebook happens to be my current method of choice to be slothful with.  If the only thing I did was give up Facebook I would merely replace it with TV or games on my tablet or cell phone.  What I needed to learn was better time management.  The next point is that Facebook does enrich my life and the lives of those I interact with there, and TV or games do not.  Are there ever any circumstances in which porn, drinking, or smoking is uplifting and edifying?  NOT A CHANCE!  But there have been many times when Facebook has been uplifting and edifying for me over the past couple months.

The beauty of the twelve step program is that it focuses on changing the inner vessel.  I kept waiting for the step that was "Give up doing whatever you are addicted to."  But that wasn't the title of any of the steps.  They talked in the reading about ways you should be making progress with the addiction by the time you get to that step, but the focus of each step was on me, not on my addiction.  Until we change our hearts we have no hope of overcoming our addictions, or our favorite sins.  Everyone has a favorite sin that keeps them from God that they don't want to give up.  When we follow not only the little repentance steps we learned as children but follow the more intensified version in the addiction recovery program it allows Christ to change our hearts. He will help us find joyful uplifting ways to meet our emotional or physical needs that we think are being met by whatever favorite sin we have.  The drinker will no longer WANT to go to a bar after his heart has been changed.  The smoker will no longer crave cigarettes.  The porn addict will not longer crave porn.  My husband was once a porn addict and I trust him to pay bills online, and use a smartphone!  GASP!  Why do I trust him?  I can see the ways his heart has changed.  I can see in his countenance that he is a different man through the atonement of Christ.  Until our hearts have changed all other changes are only on the surface and relapse back to our sin is inevitable.

I have changed a lot over the past several months.  I am no longer the woman I was when I started this blog.  I have given up those aspects of Facebook that did not enrich my life.  It no longer feels like the most important thing in my life.  My life is more well rounded.  I still don't love doing laundry, but it gets done anyway, and I joy in pleasing my God and my husband and children. 

The argument with the man in class finally ended when he asked me if I feel okay about my Facebook use even when I pray about it.  With a clear conscience and a peaceful heart I was able to answer "Yes."  In that moment I knew that, though I haven't prayed this specific prayer, I have prayed many others and I felt at peace that I am no longer controlled by my Facebook addiction.  I am the one in control and God knows my heart and has changed my heart.  It was hard for me to see it because I couldn't seem to tell if I had overcome this or not.  I was still using Facebook after all.  But I have learned healthier ways of meeting my needs and I have learned to limit my time there, and I have learned to limit the things I use Facebook for to just those things that are beneficial to my life.

Our hobbies can be good healthy things, but they need not rule our lives.  When we become the ones in control and the important things get done first we are no longer addicted to slothfulness.  We are simply people with a hobby.

Making progress . . . What I am doing besides the steps.

Well, last week at class they were on Step 8.  Since I had already done it I had the chance to share the insights I've had that were in my past couple posts. So I thought I would just stay ahead of the class and do Step 9 but I yesterday was about the worst Sunday I've had for a while.  I didn't get anything out of the talks or lessons at church thanks to my 17 month old boy, and in the afternoon and evening my husband had to work so I wasn't able to have any alone time for personal study and blogging.

Now the kids are eating and watching cartoons.  As much as I hate resorting to TV sometimes I just need my own time and it's the only way to get it.  So recently I've been noticing that I have less desire to spend time online.  I still get on now and then, but don't spend near the hours that I used to.  I've started looking for more ways to get out of the house and spend time with other mothers locally.  Having planned outings gives more structure to my day, and limits the time I have for chores.  Having LESS time for chores actually makes me more motivated to do them.  I found that just knowing I only have the morning, or only the afternoon, and not all day, I spend my time more wisely.  Also getting out and meeting other mothers has helped me feel less lonely, and less loneliness means I no longer NEED Facebook to fill any voids in my life.  Facebook can be what it is meant to be - a means of communicating and connecting with people.  It is no longer my main source of adult interaction, and comfort through my struggles.  I no longer sit reading and rereading posts and comments, then commenting and waiting to see how many people "like" my comments and what they respond.  I check up on what's going on and might make a comment or two, but no longer obsess over every little thing that is written.

I still feel like my house is a disaster zone, but much of that is due to having toddlers I just can't keep up with right now.  I have 6 weeks till my due date, and have been rather tired.  Unfortunately toddlers don't slow down just because their mother is in the third trimester with their soon to be new sibling.  Hopefully I can get it more under control in a few years after I'm done having, nursing, and potty training babies!  I'm starting to accept that I just can't have a perfect house and have toddlers at the same time.  While diligence and hard work are important, it is also important for my goals to be realistic to the current situation of my family.  How is it their tiny short little legs can run so much faster than me?!?!

Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness - Don't forget to forgive yourself

In Step 7 I humbled myself and allowed God to teach me things I needed to learn to move forward.  Now it is time to seek forgiveness.  So who do I need to seek forgiveness from?  My addiction never caused me to commit crimes, or engage in abusive behavior.  My family has been hurt somewhat perhaps, but my children are happy and provided for, and my husband never had a problem with a messy house like I did.  Ultimately I am the one I need to seek forgiveness from.  It is now time to extend to myself the Charity I so readily extend to everyone else.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).  This applies just as much to our dealings with ourselves as it does our dealings with others.  ". . . of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10).  By forgiving ourselves we allow the Atonement to have force in our lives to heal us and prepare us to return to God again.  By not forgiving ourselves we are denying the Atonement saying that it was not good enough for us.  Christ loves us so much He did it for each of us.

Likely I would have more to say about this step if this were a different type of addiction and my addiction had hurt friends and family members for a long time, but the truth is there aren't many people hurt by it.  The biggest trial is learning and realizing that this character flaw will take time to overcome as I continue to pray and ask God to remove my weaknesses.  He has not removed them over night just because I humbled myself in Step 7.  It will take time and a continued effort to become the kind of productive person I want to be.  As my children get older and I stop getting pregnant it will likely help too, but I shouldn't just sit around waiting for that time to come.  For now, I feel at peace.  I accept the Atonement, and the forgiveness of God and allow it to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and continue moving forward.

Step 7: Humility. . . So, easy right?

Step 7: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove all your shortcomings.

Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another.  So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride.  Well, no.

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

"Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled."
(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)

I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it.  I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed.  If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility!  This is NEVER talked about.  My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction.  I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too.  Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable.  The reasons are not important to this blog.  I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this.  I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself.  This was never addressed.

Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine.  The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me.  However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself.  My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life!  I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride.  PEW! (I just blew my mind!)

The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness".  I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair"  and "your worthlessness".  As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!"  He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself.  I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME.  And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes.  Humility truly is the choice of being teachable.  God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it.  And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay.  I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!

Keep moving forward . . . Step 6: Change of Heart

Happy Easter everyone!  What better way to celebrate the resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ, than by working on how to improve myself and take advantage of the opportunity He gave us to become better people through His atonement!

Step 6: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.  This was harder than I thought it would be.  When I first read it I thought wasn't this what I did when I confessed to God?  Wasn't I sorrowful over the things I've done wrong, or haven't done right as the case may be, and therefore ready to have Him remove my character flaws.  But as time went on and my habits have not changed very much I saw that though I was sorry, and felt that burden of guilt lifted it didn't necessarily mean I was ready to completely give up my weaknesses to God.  I want to and I felt like it was impossible. Didn't this mean I would have to become perfect all at once, and such just is not the way things work.  I can't become perfect over night, therefore this step is impossible, and I can't move on to other steps till I am perfect.

Now I realize how wrong all this thinking was.  All I need to do for this step is be READY to give up my weaknesses.  That doesn't mean they are gone.  All it means is I have the desire and willingness to give them up.  It doesn't mean it has to happen over night, and it doesn't mean I can't move forward till I achieve perfection.  I'm ready.  I've reached the point that I want God's help to remove my flaws and weaknesses.

I've recently been able to think more clearly on things like this and I think I owe a great deal of that to my 17 month old son who is finally sleeping through the night in a separate room.  Thus I am finally getting the sleep I need to be sane and motivated during the day!  Go Figure!  Ahhh.  :)  Maybe now I can make the progress that had been put on hold because all I had the energy to do was get by and survive each passing day.

Personal Struggles . . . and Step 5: Confession

I missed a couple weeks of class and tried keeping up on my own, but was so busy I had a very hard time.  I wasn't able to blog because of how busy things got there for a while, and I've noticed that it has made it much harder for me to progress through the steps without writing about them and having that accountability to someone.  I stopped making goal lists, and I can't seem to move on to steps 6 and 7 where the class is now.  I really don't want to fall too far behind the class, but I fear that I might.  I've been having a lot of trouble with some personal things with my children which have been a big distraction from my addiction and this blog.  And likewise I have turned to my addiction to relieve the stress of dealing with my children.  I was on my Facebook app on my phone so much I decided to uninstall it.  Then I didn't even make it a day or two before downloading a Sudoku app to replace it.  Yesterday my husband asked me what was with me playing Sudoku all the time now.  I said, "I don't know. . .  Just something to distract me I guess." 
He said, "I think you are addicted to distractions."   To which I agreed.  Once I have the strength to admit something is a problem and give it up I just find something else (of equal or lesser value) to replace it with.

Ultimately I think I need more support.  I don't dare tell my husband that he just isn't enough support for me right now, because it isn't his fault, and the poor man is doing the best he can working his tail off at two jobs just so we can barely scrape by.  Our nearest family is an expensive 8 hour drive away, and I just get so lonely.  Last night I asked my husband for a blessing and the last thing he said was that Heavenly Father is proud of me.  My very first thought was, "I can't imagine why!"  I am trying to accept this thought.  That I AM working hard to care for and raise good children, and keep a good home.  I HAVE done things that are worth being proud of.  As young as they are I am doing my best to teach my children true principles and values.

So Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.  Well ultimately I did this about the same time as I did Step 4.  After I confessed here on my blog by writing my searching and fearless moral inventory I proceeded to pray and confess to God.  I really poured out my soul to him, and as I did I felt my burden of guilt lifted.  I made an appointment to talk to my bishop.  After actually reading through Step 5 I felt that none of my sins really demanded confession to my bishop, and so I used it to talk to him about the many struggles I am facing right now and then I got a blessing from him.  Steps 4 and 5 really felt like one step.  I couldn't do Step 4 without naturally wanting to finish Step 5 as quickly as possible.  Now if only Step 6 could be done so easily!  But that's the topic for the next post.

Step 4: Truth

Before getting into step four I think I'll talk about the progress I've been making with the addiction itself.  Last week I was determined to have a good week.  I really want to be ready for this coming baby and I want to be organized and on top of things so that I can focus more on the transition from two kids to three rather than having to focus on my problems and addiction.  I want to overcome this at least for the most part before the baby gets here.  So anyway, I was determined to focus on my goals and have good days every day so I could have a good week I was proud of.  It started out great, and by the end of the week there were only a few goals that I had fallen short on by missing a day.  Unfortunately this week has not had the same great start and now I have to play catch up.  Our heater broke on Saturday, and I spent all Monday afraid to do different things I needed to do because I didn't want to be in the middle of it when the apartment maintenance men would show up.  Well, they didn't come till the afternoon so I wasted my whole morning when I should have just conducted life as usual and if they interrupt so what.  I had the wrong attitude about the whole thing and I have to make up for it now.  I was even thinking of postponing this blog post, but then that would be one more thing on my list of things I need to catch up on. **sigh**

So. . . Step four.  Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.  I found myself thinking that because my addiction is not morally wrong in and of itself I don't really need to do this step.  But upon further reflection neglecting the physical and emotional needs of your children is wrong in very many ways. Now I want to clarify.  I never allowed my children to actually go hungry or be without any of their physical needs except on a short term basis while I checked something on Facebook and when I was done I saw that their needs were met.  But what does this send as a message to my children?  It says that Facebook is more important to me than they are.  Well if this is the case, then I need to change my heart because that is wrong.  If this is not the case then I need to change my actions to agree with what my values and my heart tell me.  The thing I know for certain is that this is not the message I want my children to receive.  I want them to know my priorities are God, then husband, then children, then chores.  But what I know my priorities SHOULD be, and what they actually HAVE BEEN leaves a huge disparity.  I want to fix this and ultimately that is why I joined the Addiction Recovery Class.  I just don't know how to fix it completely.  It seems when I have a week where I am great and successful in one aspect of my life I fall drastically short in another.  Then when I work to improve the other I lose the progress I made in the first.  I guess it's like the thought that they opened class with yesterday.  It was about the fact that we can't be perfect all at once.  No matter how much we might want to it is impossible.  We can just make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today until eventually either before or after the end of this life we achieve perfection.  Well, I think that's about as much of my inventory as it is appropriate to be public on this blog.

Next week my husband and I are planning a temple trip, and I may end up missing class.  I have many issues I will be thinking and praying about on the trip, and so I don't know for sure when I will complete step five I may try to do it on my own without the class Wednesday morning and still get the blog out.  We will just have to see what happens.

Step 3: Trust in God

Last week was step two, and it was about having hope and believing that God loves me enough to help me overcome my addiction.  When I wrote about step two all I had was the desire to believe.  Over the course of the week and after praying more about it, and other trials I've been going through right now, that desire to believe has grown into real faith.  Sunday night I had a long talk with my mother and it helped me a lot to feel better about a trial that caused a huge relapse a couple weeks ago.  It helped me get my motivation back to take care of myself, and achieve my other goals too.  Then in group yesterday we talked about how God can love us no matter what we have done in the past.  God loves us because He is perfect, not because of anything we did or didn't do.  He is perfect and loves us perfectly regardless of our flaws and faults because he is our Father.

Thankfully this progress was enough to be ready for step three.  Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Somehow once I had the faith that God loves me and will help me overcome this, deciding to turn my will over to Him seemed a natural progression.  I feel as though this is what I have been working toward all along and something I've been striving for throughout my life.  I think that turning my will over to God with regards to this addiction involves using prayer to help with problems I face rather than using Facebook as my go-to source for the solutions to my problems. I know that God knows me and my problems better than any Facebook friends ever will through even the most extensive post about them.  I find that often I end up having to make further explanations in comments to correct false assumptions or answer questions and I end up more hurt and frustrated than I was before asking for advice from others there.  God knows me and my problems perfectly and will never give me bad advice or judge me for asking.  Continuing to strive for a clean home and maintaining healthy habits, rather than sitting around on the computer all day is another way to give my will to Him.  These last things are goals I've already been working towards for the past couple months and will continue working on likely the rest of my life.

Step 2: Hope

So after step one I realized I needed outside help to overcome this.  I knew I could not do it alone.  I was honest with myself that as silly as it may sound to someone else I was addicted to the computer and it had made life unmanageable.

Now I have to have hope that through the Atonement of Christ and with His help I CAN overcome this.  I have to believe that He loves me enough to do this and that this problem is worth His help.  I get this in theory but I don't know how deep it has actually sunk in yet.  I have received help from God through other trials in the past, and have no real reason to believe He would not help me with this too.  I also know He can do anything for His children as He is all powerful.  Yet I can't seem to put it all together to think He WILL help ME with this.  It feels a little bit silly and not worth His time.  It feels like something I should be able to overcome and so something not worthy of asking for help to overcome.  I know however that without hope I will not be able to move forward and I want to believe, and hope that He will help me.  I want to believe He loves me, and I want to believe that my problems, however trivial they may seem, are not trivial to Him simply because they are not trivial to me.  I have the desire to believe.  I just need to continue working on that desire till it becomes faith and test it so it can become stronger.  I am reading scriptures daily, and now I think it is time to add prayer to the equation.  I pray in the middle of trials, but not as a regular thing.  I seem to get distracted so easily.  I want to apply Christ's Atonement to my life in a new way.  I have used it to heal from the hurt of the sins of those around me, to help me love and forgive them, but as of yet I've not felt the need to use it much for repentance of my own sins.  Sure I've repented of little things here and there along my path in life, but most of my sins are sins of omission that ultimately I am still repenting for.  I need to learn that He can help with this type of sin the same way He can help with people who commit sins.

Step One: Honesty

Until being honest with myself I could not even face that I was addicted to slothfulness.  I believe I achieved this step, around the time I started this blog.  I readily admit my flaws and shortcomings.  I know I cannot overcome this alone.  I have made progress, but keep having days when for one reason or another I just can't seem to get past it.  It's like I faze out.  I go into another world and I forget I have made goals and commitments in this world.  I think one day of laziness won't matter, but I lose any momentum I have gained and it is like starting all over again.

I have been trapped at times feeling like I just can't leave the computer to do other things.  I don't yet know any pattern to my relapses.  Maybe when I've had a hard day with my daughter, or just when I get board or unmotivated.  I justify my addiction saying that I'm not actually doing anything wrong, but neglecting to do the things that are right is what makes it wrong.  The honesty of step one is liberating. By honestly acknowledging my flaws and faults I can face them, overcome them, and move forward with God's help.  I know the Lord is pleased with my honesty and humility.

The progress I have made recently is since Saturday I have started reading my scriptures on my phone every day, whenever I have a minute here or there.  If I am powerless to overcome this, then the help has to come from God.  If I want His help I better be willing to put in the work to get it.  Not sure that's part of step one, but it's where I'm at.

Step one seemed easy, but I think that is because in reality I've been working with step one for at least a month now.  It started when I realized and admitted to myself that it is an addiction and progressed till I was ready to admit I needed outside help to overcome the addiction.  I hope I can work through each step as I attend the meetings and keep up with where we are in class, but I fear that it won't be that simple or easy.

My first Addiction Recovery Class

Last night I attended my first Addiction Recovery Class, just like I said I would.  My husband was proud of me for going without being told by someone else that I should go.  Whenever he went it was because his bishop told him to go.  They were on step 12 so I felt like quite a bit of the lesson did not apply to me since I am just starting and it was about someone finishing.  But now I know what I have to look forward to.  I found myself reflecting much of the time on my husband's addiction and the journey we went through to overcome it.  I thought about what helped him along the way and when the most important milestones were that helped him overcome his addiction.  But that isn't the subject of this blog, nor should it be what I think about at the class, and I realized that on my drive home.  I thought about the class and realized my thinking was all wrong while I was there.  I'm attending as an addict NOT as the family member of an addict.  I should be applying these lessons to me, not to my husband and the journey we've already been through.  I am starting MY journey.  I need to be my focus.  Maybe some of it had to do with the fact that they were on the last step and I am just taking my first.  I think it was good to have as the first lesson so I could make this realization now, and start with step one next week and be ready to focus on myself.

Still not much progress

I feel ashamed to admit it, but I had a complete relapse yesterday.  I spent the morning in Facebook Land, and when my husband was getting ready for work he asked if he should take the computer with him.  He asked two or three times and each time I avoided giving him a straight answer.  I remained glued to the laptop the rest of the day because he got distracted and was in a hurry and I didn't pack it up for him to take, so he left it home with me.  I did a thing or two that was good on the computer, but more importantly I didn't do much that was productive for my home.  I take full responsibility, I could have just packed it up and had it ready for my husband to take with him, but I didn't.  I chose to keep it home. I chose to continue spending my time on things what didn't matter as much as my own home and family.  I chose Not to clean the bathrooms. I chose to eat snacks rather than cook a real dinner. I chose to keep reading stuff online rather than take the nap my exhausted pregnant body needed.  I chose not to vacuum even though the living room needed it.

I am still stuck on step one.  I think that rather than think I can find the resources I need to help me overcome this online, I need to actually attend the addiction recovery class.  This might come as a "well, duh!" to some of you out there, seeing as how the computer is the very thing I am addicted to.  But I just made the realization that it really is possible for me to go and I think I am to the point that my husband will support me in this.  He would have thought me crazy before I started this blog.  I think I've gotten to the point that I've made as much progress as I can make with only my husband's help and support.  I need to obtain a physical copy of the ARP book so I can access it and work on my problems without needing to get online.  Well, I'll start the class next week, and go from there.  Then maybe I'll have something worthwhile to write here.  Hopefully when I take the class I can make better progress to tell you about.

Slothful. . . or just plain exhausted?

It's been a while since I've had a chance to post, and I was wondering what to write this next post about.  I really don't think my life or thoughts are exciting enough to write much about.  I am now 21 weeks pregnant and still nursing my baby who is now 14 months old.  I don't think he gets much from nursing except the emotional bonding with his mommy.   Mostly he just nurses to go to sleep and then to go back to sleep when he wakes up in the night.  I feel he needs it and don't have the heart to wean him before he is ready.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, I don't know how many of you out there have tried this but as if being pregnant wasn't exhausting enough, not getting to sleep through the night while pregnant is even more so.  I have all these well intentioned goals, but when it comes down to it I'm just not motivated enough to override how tired I am.  Does this mean I'm falling back into my addiction? This is part of what's so hard about this particular addiction. I can't tell for sure if I really need to take it easy for a while, or if I'm just making excuses for myself. Laundry has piled up yet again, and while I've been doing much better at tidying up the living room and vacuuming, I have not been reading books with the children and helping my daughter write her name and things the preschool wants me to do as "homework".  I also have not been fitting in my exercise.  I was doing it during the kids nap time, but now I nap then too.  Last night my baby was waking up every 1-2 hours.  I think today will likely be a disaster as far as achieving my goals goes.  I so can't wait till my son is done teething!

A full week of productive living

After having my goals displayed on my refrigerator for a week and a half now, I've been able to notice a huge difference in my house and in my children.

In my house I've finally gotten laundry under control to the point that it is no longer a source of stress, and neither are the dishes.  Imagine that!  When I'm not wasting time on meaningless things I can get the regular chores done each day with ease.  And I've even tackled some major projects that have intimidated me and I'd been putting off.  I reorganized my daughter's closet.  I scrubbed the Kitchen floor.  My living room is mostly clean on a regular basis, so tidying and vacuuming are no longer intimidating chores either.  I've found I am so much happier when at least one major room is clean every day.

Being able to spend more time with my children has also payed off.  My daughter is slowly becoming better behaved, and bed time has become much easier.  I've started having her say, "Yes, Ma'am" whenever I ask her to do something, and remarkably enough she is becoming more obedient.  They don't mind when I turn off the TV as much as they did at first because now they have learned that it means they get to play games and read books with Mommy. 

When I first started this I never thought the changes would be so quick.  My house still has much room for improvement, but I have hope I can accomplish it.  I almost think I should have taken some before and after pictures to post.  Maybe I will for a future project.  But with each day being goal oriented I get so much more done, and I actually look forward to getting to tell my husband what I've accomplished when he gets home from work each night.  I have also found that I no longer feel guilt over time spent relaxing with my husband watching a show or two because I actually feel we've both earned it (instead of sitting thinking about all the chores I should be doing instead).  Living in a clean organized home keeps all of us much happier.  I can't wait till each of my big projects have been accomplished.  We'll be so much better prepared for this coming baby too.

New Year's Resolutions - How to make them stick

This time of year people have a tendency to reflect on the previous year, and make goals for how they want to be or do better this year.  I had done much of this reflecting throughout December as you know from my previous posts.  I started reading a self help book called The Compound Effect.  Someone had recommended it to me and challenged me to read it.  At first I just thought, "One more self-help book to read and I'll be sitting reading rather than doing."  I've never really believed in self help books and I often don't believe in new-year's resolutions either.  It's just one one more thing to try and then feel worse about yourself when you fail.  And you will fail because you're all excited now but once that excitement wears off you will slowly stop doing whatever was necessary to make the changes permanent.  Well, The Compound Effect actually acknowledges this flaw and talks about how to get past it and why it happens.  Essentially you have to make small permanent changes rather than huge ones that are bound to only be temporary because you get burnt out.

The book has a website with free handouts that go with it and I printed one off and plan to use it regularly.  You set goals for how many times you want to do a certain thing within a week.  Say, the laundry, then each day that you do it you check it off and at the end of the week you see how close you came to achieving your goals.  I ended up filling the whole thing with things I want to make regular habits in my life, and I have it displayed on my refrigerator.  Then I will collect them over time in a notebook to be able to compare my progress over time.  My husband noticed it yesterday and thought it was great.  He thought that the fact that he can see the work I am doing would help to keep me accountable and also give me credit for achieving my goals.  Some of my goals are basic things I need to do daily. . . Drink enough water, take my vitamins. . . yes I sometimes forget these things, but they are important so they are on the chart, other things are chores I need to do more often.  I think about the only chores that aren't on the chart are trash and dishes.  Other things include reading with my children and helping my daughter write her name.  At first I was afraid I was putting too many things on the chart and I would be too overwhelmed by them, but some are things to be done once a week and others are more often and then others are daily.  So some of them once I do them I can ignore them the rest of the week.  And the daily ones are actually so basic it is kind of fun to get to check them off every day, so even on my bad days I can at least do them and get to check off something.  The best thing, I think, is that for a stay at home mom it gives me that structure and focus that my life has been lacking ever since becoming a stay at home mom.

So I guess the point of this post is that if you want to make your goals and resolutions stick, I highly recommend this book, and using all the free handouts along the way as you read it.  Just reading a book IS NOT going to change your life.  DOING the things in the book will.  I can't wait till a year from not when my notebook is starting to have something substantial in it I can look back and visibly see the progress I have made and the better mother, wife, and person I have become as a result.