Making progress . . . What I am doing besides the steps.

Well, last week at class they were on Step 8.  Since I had already done it I had the chance to share the insights I've had that were in my past couple posts. So I thought I would just stay ahead of the class and do Step 9 but I yesterday was about the worst Sunday I've had for a while.  I didn't get anything out of the talks or lessons at church thanks to my 17 month old boy, and in the afternoon and evening my husband had to work so I wasn't able to have any alone time for personal study and blogging.

Now the kids are eating and watching cartoons.  As much as I hate resorting to TV sometimes I just need my own time and it's the only way to get it.  So recently I've been noticing that I have less desire to spend time online.  I still get on now and then, but don't spend near the hours that I used to.  I've started looking for more ways to get out of the house and spend time with other mothers locally.  Having planned outings gives more structure to my day, and limits the time I have for chores.  Having LESS time for chores actually makes me more motivated to do them.  I found that just knowing I only have the morning, or only the afternoon, and not all day, I spend my time more wisely.  Also getting out and meeting other mothers has helped me feel less lonely, and less loneliness means I no longer NEED Facebook to fill any voids in my life.  Facebook can be what it is meant to be - a means of communicating and connecting with people.  It is no longer my main source of adult interaction, and comfort through my struggles.  I no longer sit reading and rereading posts and comments, then commenting and waiting to see how many people "like" my comments and what they respond.  I check up on what's going on and might make a comment or two, but no longer obsess over every little thing that is written.

I still feel like my house is a disaster zone, but much of that is due to having toddlers I just can't keep up with right now.  I have 6 weeks till my due date, and have been rather tired.  Unfortunately toddlers don't slow down just because their mother is in the third trimester with their soon to be new sibling.  Hopefully I can get it more under control in a few years after I'm done having, nursing, and potty training babies!  I'm starting to accept that I just can't have a perfect house and have toddlers at the same time.  While diligence and hard work are important, it is also important for my goals to be realistic to the current situation of my family.  How is it their tiny short little legs can run so much faster than me?!?!

Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness - Don't forget to forgive yourself

In Step 7 I humbled myself and allowed God to teach me things I needed to learn to move forward.  Now it is time to seek forgiveness.  So who do I need to seek forgiveness from?  My addiction never caused me to commit crimes, or engage in abusive behavior.  My family has been hurt somewhat perhaps, but my children are happy and provided for, and my husband never had a problem with a messy house like I did.  Ultimately I am the one I need to seek forgiveness from.  It is now time to extend to myself the Charity I so readily extend to everyone else.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).  This applies just as much to our dealings with ourselves as it does our dealings with others.  ". . . of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10).  By forgiving ourselves we allow the Atonement to have force in our lives to heal us and prepare us to return to God again.  By not forgiving ourselves we are denying the Atonement saying that it was not good enough for us.  Christ loves us so much He did it for each of us.

Likely I would have more to say about this step if this were a different type of addiction and my addiction had hurt friends and family members for a long time, but the truth is there aren't many people hurt by it.  The biggest trial is learning and realizing that this character flaw will take time to overcome as I continue to pray and ask God to remove my weaknesses.  He has not removed them over night just because I humbled myself in Step 7.  It will take time and a continued effort to become the kind of productive person I want to be.  As my children get older and I stop getting pregnant it will likely help too, but I shouldn't just sit around waiting for that time to come.  For now, I feel at peace.  I accept the Atonement, and the forgiveness of God and allow it to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and continue moving forward.

Step 7: Humility. . . So, easy right?

Step 7: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove all your shortcomings.

Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another.  So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride.  Well, no.

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

"Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled."
(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)

I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it.  I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed.  If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility!  This is NEVER talked about.  My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction.  I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too.  Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable.  The reasons are not important to this blog.  I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this.  I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself.  This was never addressed.

Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine.  The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me.  However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself.  My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life!  I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride.  PEW! (I just blew my mind!)

The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness".  I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair"  and "your worthlessness".  As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!"  He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself.  I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME.  And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes.  Humility truly is the choice of being teachable.  God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it.  And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay.  I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!