Personal Struggles . . . and Step 5: Confession

I missed a couple weeks of class and tried keeping up on my own, but was so busy I had a very hard time.  I wasn't able to blog because of how busy things got there for a while, and I've noticed that it has made it much harder for me to progress through the steps without writing about them and having that accountability to someone.  I stopped making goal lists, and I can't seem to move on to steps 6 and 7 where the class is now.  I really don't want to fall too far behind the class, but I fear that I might.  I've been having a lot of trouble with some personal things with my children which have been a big distraction from my addiction and this blog.  And likewise I have turned to my addiction to relieve the stress of dealing with my children.  I was on my Facebook app on my phone so much I decided to uninstall it.  Then I didn't even make it a day or two before downloading a Sudoku app to replace it.  Yesterday my husband asked me what was with me playing Sudoku all the time now.  I said, "I don't know. . .  Just something to distract me I guess." 
He said, "I think you are addicted to distractions."   To which I agreed.  Once I have the strength to admit something is a problem and give it up I just find something else (of equal or lesser value) to replace it with.

Ultimately I think I need more support.  I don't dare tell my husband that he just isn't enough support for me right now, because it isn't his fault, and the poor man is doing the best he can working his tail off at two jobs just so we can barely scrape by.  Our nearest family is an expensive 8 hour drive away, and I just get so lonely.  Last night I asked my husband for a blessing and the last thing he said was that Heavenly Father is proud of me.  My very first thought was, "I can't imagine why!"  I am trying to accept this thought.  That I AM working hard to care for and raise good children, and keep a good home.  I HAVE done things that are worth being proud of.  As young as they are I am doing my best to teach my children true principles and values.

So Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.  Well ultimately I did this about the same time as I did Step 4.  After I confessed here on my blog by writing my searching and fearless moral inventory I proceeded to pray and confess to God.  I really poured out my soul to him, and as I did I felt my burden of guilt lifted.  I made an appointment to talk to my bishop.  After actually reading through Step 5 I felt that none of my sins really demanded confession to my bishop, and so I used it to talk to him about the many struggles I am facing right now and then I got a blessing from him.  Steps 4 and 5 really felt like one step.  I couldn't do Step 4 without naturally wanting to finish Step 5 as quickly as possible.  Now if only Step 6 could be done so easily!  But that's the topic for the next post.

Step 4: Truth

Before getting into step four I think I'll talk about the progress I've been making with the addiction itself.  Last week I was determined to have a good week.  I really want to be ready for this coming baby and I want to be organized and on top of things so that I can focus more on the transition from two kids to three rather than having to focus on my problems and addiction.  I want to overcome this at least for the most part before the baby gets here.  So anyway, I was determined to focus on my goals and have good days every day so I could have a good week I was proud of.  It started out great, and by the end of the week there were only a few goals that I had fallen short on by missing a day.  Unfortunately this week has not had the same great start and now I have to play catch up.  Our heater broke on Saturday, and I spent all Monday afraid to do different things I needed to do because I didn't want to be in the middle of it when the apartment maintenance men would show up.  Well, they didn't come till the afternoon so I wasted my whole morning when I should have just conducted life as usual and if they interrupt so what.  I had the wrong attitude about the whole thing and I have to make up for it now.  I was even thinking of postponing this blog post, but then that would be one more thing on my list of things I need to catch up on. **sigh**

So. . . Step four.  Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.  I found myself thinking that because my addiction is not morally wrong in and of itself I don't really need to do this step.  But upon further reflection neglecting the physical and emotional needs of your children is wrong in very many ways. Now I want to clarify.  I never allowed my children to actually go hungry or be without any of their physical needs except on a short term basis while I checked something on Facebook and when I was done I saw that their needs were met.  But what does this send as a message to my children?  It says that Facebook is more important to me than they are.  Well if this is the case, then I need to change my heart because that is wrong.  If this is not the case then I need to change my actions to agree with what my values and my heart tell me.  The thing I know for certain is that this is not the message I want my children to receive.  I want them to know my priorities are God, then husband, then children, then chores.  But what I know my priorities SHOULD be, and what they actually HAVE BEEN leaves a huge disparity.  I want to fix this and ultimately that is why I joined the Addiction Recovery Class.  I just don't know how to fix it completely.  It seems when I have a week where I am great and successful in one aspect of my life I fall drastically short in another.  Then when I work to improve the other I lose the progress I made in the first.  I guess it's like the thought that they opened class with yesterday.  It was about the fact that we can't be perfect all at once.  No matter how much we might want to it is impossible.  We can just make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today until eventually either before or after the end of this life we achieve perfection.  Well, I think that's about as much of my inventory as it is appropriate to be public on this blog.

Next week my husband and I are planning a temple trip, and I may end up missing class.  I have many issues I will be thinking and praying about on the trip, and so I don't know for sure when I will complete step five I may try to do it on my own without the class Wednesday morning and still get the blog out.  We will just have to see what happens.

Step 3: Trust in God

Last week was step two, and it was about having hope and believing that God loves me enough to help me overcome my addiction.  When I wrote about step two all I had was the desire to believe.  Over the course of the week and after praying more about it, and other trials I've been going through right now, that desire to believe has grown into real faith.  Sunday night I had a long talk with my mother and it helped me a lot to feel better about a trial that caused a huge relapse a couple weeks ago.  It helped me get my motivation back to take care of myself, and achieve my other goals too.  Then in group yesterday we talked about how God can love us no matter what we have done in the past.  God loves us because He is perfect, not because of anything we did or didn't do.  He is perfect and loves us perfectly regardless of our flaws and faults because he is our Father.

Thankfully this progress was enough to be ready for step three.  Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.  Somehow once I had the faith that God loves me and will help me overcome this, deciding to turn my will over to Him seemed a natural progression.  I feel as though this is what I have been working toward all along and something I've been striving for throughout my life.  I think that turning my will over to God with regards to this addiction involves using prayer to help with problems I face rather than using Facebook as my go-to source for the solutions to my problems. I know that God knows me and my problems better than any Facebook friends ever will through even the most extensive post about them.  I find that often I end up having to make further explanations in comments to correct false assumptions or answer questions and I end up more hurt and frustrated than I was before asking for advice from others there.  God knows me and my problems perfectly and will never give me bad advice or judge me for asking.  Continuing to strive for a clean home and maintaining healthy habits, rather than sitting around on the computer all day is another way to give my will to Him.  These last things are goals I've already been working towards for the past couple months and will continue working on likely the rest of my life.

Step 2: Hope

So after step one I realized I needed outside help to overcome this.  I knew I could not do it alone.  I was honest with myself that as silly as it may sound to someone else I was addicted to the computer and it had made life unmanageable.

Now I have to have hope that through the Atonement of Christ and with His help I CAN overcome this.  I have to believe that He loves me enough to do this and that this problem is worth His help.  I get this in theory but I don't know how deep it has actually sunk in yet.  I have received help from God through other trials in the past, and have no real reason to believe He would not help me with this too.  I also know He can do anything for His children as He is all powerful.  Yet I can't seem to put it all together to think He WILL help ME with this.  It feels a little bit silly and not worth His time.  It feels like something I should be able to overcome and so something not worthy of asking for help to overcome.  I know however that without hope I will not be able to move forward and I want to believe, and hope that He will help me.  I want to believe He loves me, and I want to believe that my problems, however trivial they may seem, are not trivial to Him simply because they are not trivial to me.  I have the desire to believe.  I just need to continue working on that desire till it becomes faith and test it so it can become stronger.  I am reading scriptures daily, and now I think it is time to add prayer to the equation.  I pray in the middle of trials, but not as a regular thing.  I seem to get distracted so easily.  I want to apply Christ's Atonement to my life in a new way.  I have used it to heal from the hurt of the sins of those around me, to help me love and forgive them, but as of yet I've not felt the need to use it much for repentance of my own sins.  Sure I've repented of little things here and there along my path in life, but most of my sins are sins of omission that ultimately I am still repenting for.  I need to learn that He can help with this type of sin the same way He can help with people who commit sins.

Step One: Honesty

Until being honest with myself I could not even face that I was addicted to slothfulness.  I believe I achieved this step, around the time I started this blog.  I readily admit my flaws and shortcomings.  I know I cannot overcome this alone.  I have made progress, but keep having days when for one reason or another I just can't seem to get past it.  It's like I faze out.  I go into another world and I forget I have made goals and commitments in this world.  I think one day of laziness won't matter, but I lose any momentum I have gained and it is like starting all over again.

I have been trapped at times feeling like I just can't leave the computer to do other things.  I don't yet know any pattern to my relapses.  Maybe when I've had a hard day with my daughter, or just when I get board or unmotivated.  I justify my addiction saying that I'm not actually doing anything wrong, but neglecting to do the things that are right is what makes it wrong.  The honesty of step one is liberating. By honestly acknowledging my flaws and faults I can face them, overcome them, and move forward with God's help.  I know the Lord is pleased with my honesty and humility.

The progress I have made recently is since Saturday I have started reading my scriptures on my phone every day, whenever I have a minute here or there.  If I am powerless to overcome this, then the help has to come from God.  If I want His help I better be willing to put in the work to get it.  Not sure that's part of step one, but it's where I'm at.

Step one seemed easy, but I think that is because in reality I've been working with step one for at least a month now.  It started when I realized and admitted to myself that it is an addiction and progressed till I was ready to admit I needed outside help to overcome the addiction.  I hope I can work through each step as I attend the meetings and keep up with where we are in class, but I fear that it won't be that simple or easy.

My first Addiction Recovery Class

Last night I attended my first Addiction Recovery Class, just like I said I would.  My husband was proud of me for going without being told by someone else that I should go.  Whenever he went it was because his bishop told him to go.  They were on step 12 so I felt like quite a bit of the lesson did not apply to me since I am just starting and it was about someone finishing.  But now I know what I have to look forward to.  I found myself reflecting much of the time on my husband's addiction and the journey we went through to overcome it.  I thought about what helped him along the way and when the most important milestones were that helped him overcome his addiction.  But that isn't the subject of this blog, nor should it be what I think about at the class, and I realized that on my drive home.  I thought about the class and realized my thinking was all wrong while I was there.  I'm attending as an addict NOT as the family member of an addict.  I should be applying these lessons to me, not to my husband and the journey we've already been through.  I am starting MY journey.  I need to be my focus.  Maybe some of it had to do with the fact that they were on the last step and I am just taking my first.  I think it was good to have as the first lesson so I could make this realization now, and start with step one next week and be ready to focus on myself.

Still not much progress

I feel ashamed to admit it, but I had a complete relapse yesterday.  I spent the morning in Facebook Land, and when my husband was getting ready for work he asked if he should take the computer with him.  He asked two or three times and each time I avoided giving him a straight answer.  I remained glued to the laptop the rest of the day because he got distracted and was in a hurry and I didn't pack it up for him to take, so he left it home with me.  I did a thing or two that was good on the computer, but more importantly I didn't do much that was productive for my home.  I take full responsibility, I could have just packed it up and had it ready for my husband to take with him, but I didn't.  I chose to keep it home. I chose to continue spending my time on things what didn't matter as much as my own home and family.  I chose Not to clean the bathrooms. I chose to eat snacks rather than cook a real dinner. I chose to keep reading stuff online rather than take the nap my exhausted pregnant body needed.  I chose not to vacuum even though the living room needed it.

I am still stuck on step one.  I think that rather than think I can find the resources I need to help me overcome this online, I need to actually attend the addiction recovery class.  This might come as a "well, duh!" to some of you out there, seeing as how the computer is the very thing I am addicted to.  But I just made the realization that it really is possible for me to go and I think I am to the point that my husband will support me in this.  He would have thought me crazy before I started this blog.  I think I've gotten to the point that I've made as much progress as I can make with only my husband's help and support.  I need to obtain a physical copy of the ARP book so I can access it and work on my problems without needing to get online.  Well, I'll start the class next week, and go from there.  Then maybe I'll have something worthwhile to write here.  Hopefully when I take the class I can make better progress to tell you about.