I missed a couple weeks of class and tried keeping up on my own, but was so busy I had a very hard time. I wasn't able to blog because of how busy things got there for a while, and I've noticed that it has made it much harder for me to progress through the steps without writing about them and having that accountability to someone. I stopped making goal lists, and I can't seem to move on to steps 6 and 7 where the class is now. I really don't want to fall too far behind the class, but I fear that I might. I've been having a lot of trouble with some personal things with my children which have been a big distraction from my addiction and this blog. And likewise I have turned to my addiction to relieve the stress of dealing with my children. I was on my Facebook app on my phone so much I decided to uninstall it. Then I didn't even make it a day or two before downloading a Sudoku app to replace it. Yesterday my husband asked me what was with me playing Sudoku all the time now. I said, "I don't know. . . Just something to distract me I guess."
He said, "I think you are addicted to distractions." To which I agreed. Once I have the strength to admit something is a problem and give it up I just find something else (of equal or lesser value) to replace it with.
Ultimately I think I need more support. I don't dare tell my husband that he just isn't enough support for me right now, because it isn't his fault, and the poor man is doing the best he can working his tail off at two jobs just so we can barely scrape by. Our nearest family is an expensive 8 hour drive away, and I just get so lonely. Last night I asked my husband for a blessing and the last thing he said was that Heavenly Father is proud of me. My very first thought was, "I can't imagine why!" I am trying to accept this thought. That I AM working hard to care for and raise good children, and keep a good home. I HAVE done things that are worth being proud of. As young as they are I am doing my best to teach my children true principles and values.
So Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. Well ultimately I did this about the same time as I did Step 4. After I confessed here on my blog by writing my searching and fearless moral inventory I proceeded to pray and confess to God. I really poured out my soul to him, and as I did I felt my burden of guilt lifted. I made an appointment to talk to my bishop. After actually reading through Step 5 I felt that none of my sins really demanded confession to my bishop, and so I used it to talk to him about the many struggles I am facing right now and then I got a blessing from him. Steps 4 and 5 really felt like one step. I couldn't do Step 4 without naturally wanting to finish Step 5 as quickly as possible. Now if only Step 6 could be done so easily! But that's the topic for the next post.
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