Step 2: Hope

So after step one I realized I needed outside help to overcome this.  I knew I could not do it alone.  I was honest with myself that as silly as it may sound to someone else I was addicted to the computer and it had made life unmanageable.

Now I have to have hope that through the Atonement of Christ and with His help I CAN overcome this.  I have to believe that He loves me enough to do this and that this problem is worth His help.  I get this in theory but I don't know how deep it has actually sunk in yet.  I have received help from God through other trials in the past, and have no real reason to believe He would not help me with this too.  I also know He can do anything for His children as He is all powerful.  Yet I can't seem to put it all together to think He WILL help ME with this.  It feels a little bit silly and not worth His time.  It feels like something I should be able to overcome and so something not worthy of asking for help to overcome.  I know however that without hope I will not be able to move forward and I want to believe, and hope that He will help me.  I want to believe He loves me, and I want to believe that my problems, however trivial they may seem, are not trivial to Him simply because they are not trivial to me.  I have the desire to believe.  I just need to continue working on that desire till it becomes faith and test it so it can become stronger.  I am reading scriptures daily, and now I think it is time to add prayer to the equation.  I pray in the middle of trials, but not as a regular thing.  I seem to get distracted so easily.  I want to apply Christ's Atonement to my life in a new way.  I have used it to heal from the hurt of the sins of those around me, to help me love and forgive them, but as of yet I've not felt the need to use it much for repentance of my own sins.  Sure I've repented of little things here and there along my path in life, but most of my sins are sins of omission that ultimately I am still repenting for.  I need to learn that He can help with this type of sin the same way He can help with people who commit sins.

Step One: Honesty

Until being honest with myself I could not even face that I was addicted to slothfulness.  I believe I achieved this step, around the time I started this blog.  I readily admit my flaws and shortcomings.  I know I cannot overcome this alone.  I have made progress, but keep having days when for one reason or another I just can't seem to get past it.  It's like I faze out.  I go into another world and I forget I have made goals and commitments in this world.  I think one day of laziness won't matter, but I lose any momentum I have gained and it is like starting all over again.

I have been trapped at times feeling like I just can't leave the computer to do other things.  I don't yet know any pattern to my relapses.  Maybe when I've had a hard day with my daughter, or just when I get board or unmotivated.  I justify my addiction saying that I'm not actually doing anything wrong, but neglecting to do the things that are right is what makes it wrong.  The honesty of step one is liberating. By honestly acknowledging my flaws and faults I can face them, overcome them, and move forward with God's help.  I know the Lord is pleased with my honesty and humility.

The progress I have made recently is since Saturday I have started reading my scriptures on my phone every day, whenever I have a minute here or there.  If I am powerless to overcome this, then the help has to come from God.  If I want His help I better be willing to put in the work to get it.  Not sure that's part of step one, but it's where I'm at.

Step one seemed easy, but I think that is because in reality I've been working with step one for at least a month now.  It started when I realized and admitted to myself that it is an addiction and progressed till I was ready to admit I needed outside help to overcome the addiction.  I hope I can work through each step as I attend the meetings and keep up with where we are in class, but I fear that it won't be that simple or easy.

My first Addiction Recovery Class

Last night I attended my first Addiction Recovery Class, just like I said I would.  My husband was proud of me for going without being told by someone else that I should go.  Whenever he went it was because his bishop told him to go.  They were on step 12 so I felt like quite a bit of the lesson did not apply to me since I am just starting and it was about someone finishing.  But now I know what I have to look forward to.  I found myself reflecting much of the time on my husband's addiction and the journey we went through to overcome it.  I thought about what helped him along the way and when the most important milestones were that helped him overcome his addiction.  But that isn't the subject of this blog, nor should it be what I think about at the class, and I realized that on my drive home.  I thought about the class and realized my thinking was all wrong while I was there.  I'm attending as an addict NOT as the family member of an addict.  I should be applying these lessons to me, not to my husband and the journey we've already been through.  I am starting MY journey.  I need to be my focus.  Maybe some of it had to do with the fact that they were on the last step and I am just taking my first.  I think it was good to have as the first lesson so I could make this realization now, and start with step one next week and be ready to focus on myself.

Still not much progress

I feel ashamed to admit it, but I had a complete relapse yesterday.  I spent the morning in Facebook Land, and when my husband was getting ready for work he asked if he should take the computer with him.  He asked two or three times and each time I avoided giving him a straight answer.  I remained glued to the laptop the rest of the day because he got distracted and was in a hurry and I didn't pack it up for him to take, so he left it home with me.  I did a thing or two that was good on the computer, but more importantly I didn't do much that was productive for my home.  I take full responsibility, I could have just packed it up and had it ready for my husband to take with him, but I didn't.  I chose to keep it home. I chose to continue spending my time on things what didn't matter as much as my own home and family.  I chose Not to clean the bathrooms. I chose to eat snacks rather than cook a real dinner. I chose to keep reading stuff online rather than take the nap my exhausted pregnant body needed.  I chose not to vacuum even though the living room needed it.

I am still stuck on step one.  I think that rather than think I can find the resources I need to help me overcome this online, I need to actually attend the addiction recovery class.  This might come as a "well, duh!" to some of you out there, seeing as how the computer is the very thing I am addicted to.  But I just made the realization that it really is possible for me to go and I think I am to the point that my husband will support me in this.  He would have thought me crazy before I started this blog.  I think I've gotten to the point that I've made as much progress as I can make with only my husband's help and support.  I need to obtain a physical copy of the ARP book so I can access it and work on my problems without needing to get online.  Well, I'll start the class next week, and go from there.  Then maybe I'll have something worthwhile to write here.  Hopefully when I take the class I can make better progress to tell you about.

Slothful. . . or just plain exhausted?

It's been a while since I've had a chance to post, and I was wondering what to write this next post about.  I really don't think my life or thoughts are exciting enough to write much about.  I am now 21 weeks pregnant and still nursing my baby who is now 14 months old.  I don't think he gets much from nursing except the emotional bonding with his mommy.   Mostly he just nurses to go to sleep and then to go back to sleep when he wakes up in the night.  I feel he needs it and don't have the heart to wean him before he is ready.

So what does this have to do with anything? Well, I don't know how many of you out there have tried this but as if being pregnant wasn't exhausting enough, not getting to sleep through the night while pregnant is even more so.  I have all these well intentioned goals, but when it comes down to it I'm just not motivated enough to override how tired I am.  Does this mean I'm falling back into my addiction? This is part of what's so hard about this particular addiction. I can't tell for sure if I really need to take it easy for a while, or if I'm just making excuses for myself. Laundry has piled up yet again, and while I've been doing much better at tidying up the living room and vacuuming, I have not been reading books with the children and helping my daughter write her name and things the preschool wants me to do as "homework".  I also have not been fitting in my exercise.  I was doing it during the kids nap time, but now I nap then too.  Last night my baby was waking up every 1-2 hours.  I think today will likely be a disaster as far as achieving my goals goes.  I so can't wait till my son is done teething!

A full week of productive living

After having my goals displayed on my refrigerator for a week and a half now, I've been able to notice a huge difference in my house and in my children.

In my house I've finally gotten laundry under control to the point that it is no longer a source of stress, and neither are the dishes.  Imagine that!  When I'm not wasting time on meaningless things I can get the regular chores done each day with ease.  And I've even tackled some major projects that have intimidated me and I'd been putting off.  I reorganized my daughter's closet.  I scrubbed the Kitchen floor.  My living room is mostly clean on a regular basis, so tidying and vacuuming are no longer intimidating chores either.  I've found I am so much happier when at least one major room is clean every day.

Being able to spend more time with my children has also payed off.  My daughter is slowly becoming better behaved, and bed time has become much easier.  I've started having her say, "Yes, Ma'am" whenever I ask her to do something, and remarkably enough she is becoming more obedient.  They don't mind when I turn off the TV as much as they did at first because now they have learned that it means they get to play games and read books with Mommy. 

When I first started this I never thought the changes would be so quick.  My house still has much room for improvement, but I have hope I can accomplish it.  I almost think I should have taken some before and after pictures to post.  Maybe I will for a future project.  But with each day being goal oriented I get so much more done, and I actually look forward to getting to tell my husband what I've accomplished when he gets home from work each night.  I have also found that I no longer feel guilt over time spent relaxing with my husband watching a show or two because I actually feel we've both earned it (instead of sitting thinking about all the chores I should be doing instead).  Living in a clean organized home keeps all of us much happier.  I can't wait till each of my big projects have been accomplished.  We'll be so much better prepared for this coming baby too.

New Year's Resolutions - How to make them stick

This time of year people have a tendency to reflect on the previous year, and make goals for how they want to be or do better this year.  I had done much of this reflecting throughout December as you know from my previous posts.  I started reading a self help book called The Compound Effect.  Someone had recommended it to me and challenged me to read it.  At first I just thought, "One more self-help book to read and I'll be sitting reading rather than doing."  I've never really believed in self help books and I often don't believe in new-year's resolutions either.  It's just one one more thing to try and then feel worse about yourself when you fail.  And you will fail because you're all excited now but once that excitement wears off you will slowly stop doing whatever was necessary to make the changes permanent.  Well, The Compound Effect actually acknowledges this flaw and talks about how to get past it and why it happens.  Essentially you have to make small permanent changes rather than huge ones that are bound to only be temporary because you get burnt out.

The book has a website with free handouts that go with it and I printed one off and plan to use it regularly.  You set goals for how many times you want to do a certain thing within a week.  Say, the laundry, then each day that you do it you check it off and at the end of the week you see how close you came to achieving your goals.  I ended up filling the whole thing with things I want to make regular habits in my life, and I have it displayed on my refrigerator.  Then I will collect them over time in a notebook to be able to compare my progress over time.  My husband noticed it yesterday and thought it was great.  He thought that the fact that he can see the work I am doing would help to keep me accountable and also give me credit for achieving my goals.  Some of my goals are basic things I need to do daily. . . Drink enough water, take my vitamins. . . yes I sometimes forget these things, but they are important so they are on the chart, other things are chores I need to do more often.  I think about the only chores that aren't on the chart are trash and dishes.  Other things include reading with my children and helping my daughter write her name.  At first I was afraid I was putting too many things on the chart and I would be too overwhelmed by them, but some are things to be done once a week and others are more often and then others are daily.  So some of them once I do them I can ignore them the rest of the week.  And the daily ones are actually so basic it is kind of fun to get to check them off every day, so even on my bad days I can at least do them and get to check off something.  The best thing, I think, is that for a stay at home mom it gives me that structure and focus that my life has been lacking ever since becoming a stay at home mom.

So I guess the point of this post is that if you want to make your goals and resolutions stick, I highly recommend this book, and using all the free handouts along the way as you read it.  Just reading a book IS NOT going to change your life.  DOING the things in the book will.  I can't wait till a year from not when my notebook is starting to have something substantial in it I can look back and visibly see the progress I have made and the better mother, wife, and person I have become as a result.