Steps 10 and 11: The ones you just can't check off the list.

I thought these fit well together, and while other steps also pair together well, these are different in that they both are things you need to do to maintain recovery for the rest of your life.  And I just need to get this blog caught up to where I am in the program.

Step 10 daily accountability - continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong promptly admit it. This isn't something you do once and then you're done with it. Doing it today still means you have to do it again tomorrow. You can't just brush your teeth once and be done the rest of your life. Every day we are accountable for what we used that day to do. Are we productive with the time we receive that is a gift to us every day?  Every evening we should take some time to reflect on the day and how we used it.  Any mistakes we made or goals we failed to achieve we can commit to doing better the next day.  This is especially important to maintain the progress we have made and keep from relapsing back into our addiction.  If we do not focus daily on becoming better it is easy to fall back into old habits. 

This is something I personally struggle with.  I have never been very good at taking the time before bed to ponder, reflect, and pray.  My husband likes to watch shows together before bed, and when we decide to go to bed I typically feel too tired to do this.  So this is something I will be working on, and will likely work on for a very long time as I can see that it will be something I should do for the rest of my life, and I don't know when this will become a habit that is easy for me.

Step 11 personal revelation - seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and have the power to carry it out.  This is how we should begin each day, with a prayer seeking to know the Lord's will for us for that day.  He will not tell us everything, otherwise this life would not be a test.  But if we are not seeking to know His will, then when we need His guidance it will not be there for us.  Just as I will be working on step 10 for a long time I will likely also work on this for a long time.  I think both these things will be easier to incorporate into my life when my children are not quite so young.  If I don't at least try now then I will be missing out on strength and blessings that I could really use right now. 

It's that endure to the end concept.  Okay now that I've changed my heart, and overcome so many obstacles and am no longer absorbed in my addiction I need to take steps to insure that I stay as strong as I am now, and continue to progress on my journey.

Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation

Wherever possible, make direct restitution to all persons you have harmed.

For me, and my addiction those harmed are my family, and the only real way to make restitution would be to change my habits. To spend more time with them, and to keep a clean functioning household. These are things I have been working on all through this process. I have felt the change in my heart that these things have become my priority. They used to just be things I knew should be a priority, and wanted them to be, but they weren't.  Now they are much more than ever before. And if you were to ask me when the change happened I honestly couldn't tell you, but now, when I look at my day I just do things much differently than I did when I was stuck in my addiction. The occasions when I do check Facebook I spend no more than 15 min. at a time there, and it is only after the needs of me and my children have been met. It just isn't as important to me any more.  This morning I woke up early, because for once I slept really good, and my first thought was, "now I have time to study my scriptures before the kids get up."  It used to be that such time would be spent checking Facebook without having to worry about being interrupted by children. I remember when I would forget to eat because I was so involved in Facebook. Now I get out of the house more, and have guests over more. Sometimes I go a couple days without getting on Facebook at all, and I don't even notice. So, I think I have made restitution to me and my family as much as possible. My children are still too young for me to ask forgiveness and have them know what I am talking about, and my husband forgave me the instant I started this program and worked to improve. I think I was able to forgive myself when God taught me that great lesson in humility during step 7. So now it is time to let the past be in the past, and look forward to each new day and the good things I will do to continue to progress.

Thoughts on last night's class. . . Cleansing the inner vessel.

Last night we studied step 10, but I haven't quite finished step 9, so these are my thoughts on some of the discussion we had in class.  No steps just reflection on progress, addictions in general and the total awesomeness of this program!

Through this whole journey I have still been using Facebook, and there has been a part of me that wasn't sure if I was really honestly working on my addiction. I was completing all the steps sincerely and they didn't seem to change the fact that I have friends there and enjoy interacting with them.  A man in class argued with me that since my addiction is just as real for me as any other is for anyone else I need to give up Facebook completely.  An alcoholic has to give up going to bars, a porn addict has to give up the internet. . . or set parental controls, a smoker has to give up cigarettes, so it's only right and makes sense that I should have to give up Facebook. . . in his mind.  Up until confronting him last night I wondered in the back of my mind if this was true.

There are two points to be made, one is that ultimately this isn't a Facebook addiction it is a Slothfulness addiction and Facebook happens to be my current method of choice to be slothful with.  If the only thing I did was give up Facebook I would merely replace it with TV or games on my tablet or cell phone.  What I needed to learn was better time management.  The next point is that Facebook does enrich my life and the lives of those I interact with there, and TV or games do not.  Are there ever any circumstances in which porn, drinking, or smoking is uplifting and edifying?  NOT A CHANCE!  But there have been many times when Facebook has been uplifting and edifying for me over the past couple months.

The beauty of the twelve step program is that it focuses on changing the inner vessel.  I kept waiting for the step that was "Give up doing whatever you are addicted to."  But that wasn't the title of any of the steps.  They talked in the reading about ways you should be making progress with the addiction by the time you get to that step, but the focus of each step was on me, not on my addiction.  Until we change our hearts we have no hope of overcoming our addictions, or our favorite sins.  Everyone has a favorite sin that keeps them from God that they don't want to give up.  When we follow not only the little repentance steps we learned as children but follow the more intensified version in the addiction recovery program it allows Christ to change our hearts. He will help us find joyful uplifting ways to meet our emotional or physical needs that we think are being met by whatever favorite sin we have.  The drinker will no longer WANT to go to a bar after his heart has been changed.  The smoker will no longer crave cigarettes.  The porn addict will not longer crave porn.  My husband was once a porn addict and I trust him to pay bills online, and use a smartphone!  GASP!  Why do I trust him?  I can see the ways his heart has changed.  I can see in his countenance that he is a different man through the atonement of Christ.  Until our hearts have changed all other changes are only on the surface and relapse back to our sin is inevitable.

I have changed a lot over the past several months.  I am no longer the woman I was when I started this blog.  I have given up those aspects of Facebook that did not enrich my life.  It no longer feels like the most important thing in my life.  My life is more well rounded.  I still don't love doing laundry, but it gets done anyway, and I joy in pleasing my God and my husband and children. 

The argument with the man in class finally ended when he asked me if I feel okay about my Facebook use even when I pray about it.  With a clear conscience and a peaceful heart I was able to answer "Yes."  In that moment I knew that, though I haven't prayed this specific prayer, I have prayed many others and I felt at peace that I am no longer controlled by my Facebook addiction.  I am the one in control and God knows my heart and has changed my heart.  It was hard for me to see it because I couldn't seem to tell if I had overcome this or not.  I was still using Facebook after all.  But I have learned healthier ways of meeting my needs and I have learned to limit my time there, and I have learned to limit the things I use Facebook for to just those things that are beneficial to my life.

Our hobbies can be good healthy things, but they need not rule our lives.  When we become the ones in control and the important things get done first we are no longer addicted to slothfulness.  We are simply people with a hobby.

Making progress . . . What I am doing besides the steps.

Well, last week at class they were on Step 8.  Since I had already done it I had the chance to share the insights I've had that were in my past couple posts. So I thought I would just stay ahead of the class and do Step 9 but I yesterday was about the worst Sunday I've had for a while.  I didn't get anything out of the talks or lessons at church thanks to my 17 month old boy, and in the afternoon and evening my husband had to work so I wasn't able to have any alone time for personal study and blogging.

Now the kids are eating and watching cartoons.  As much as I hate resorting to TV sometimes I just need my own time and it's the only way to get it.  So recently I've been noticing that I have less desire to spend time online.  I still get on now and then, but don't spend near the hours that I used to.  I've started looking for more ways to get out of the house and spend time with other mothers locally.  Having planned outings gives more structure to my day, and limits the time I have for chores.  Having LESS time for chores actually makes me more motivated to do them.  I found that just knowing I only have the morning, or only the afternoon, and not all day, I spend my time more wisely.  Also getting out and meeting other mothers has helped me feel less lonely, and less loneliness means I no longer NEED Facebook to fill any voids in my life.  Facebook can be what it is meant to be - a means of communicating and connecting with people.  It is no longer my main source of adult interaction, and comfort through my struggles.  I no longer sit reading and rereading posts and comments, then commenting and waiting to see how many people "like" my comments and what they respond.  I check up on what's going on and might make a comment or two, but no longer obsess over every little thing that is written.

I still feel like my house is a disaster zone, but much of that is due to having toddlers I just can't keep up with right now.  I have 6 weeks till my due date, and have been rather tired.  Unfortunately toddlers don't slow down just because their mother is in the third trimester with their soon to be new sibling.  Hopefully I can get it more under control in a few years after I'm done having, nursing, and potty training babies!  I'm starting to accept that I just can't have a perfect house and have toddlers at the same time.  While diligence and hard work are important, it is also important for my goals to be realistic to the current situation of my family.  How is it their tiny short little legs can run so much faster than me?!?!

Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness - Don't forget to forgive yourself

In Step 7 I humbled myself and allowed God to teach me things I needed to learn to move forward.  Now it is time to seek forgiveness.  So who do I need to seek forgiveness from?  My addiction never caused me to commit crimes, or engage in abusive behavior.  My family has been hurt somewhat perhaps, but my children are happy and provided for, and my husband never had a problem with a messy house like I did.  Ultimately I am the one I need to seek forgiveness from.  It is now time to extend to myself the Charity I so readily extend to everyone else.

"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" (Luke 6:37).  This applies just as much to our dealings with ourselves as it does our dealings with others.  ". . . of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10).  By forgiving ourselves we allow the Atonement to have force in our lives to heal us and prepare us to return to God again.  By not forgiving ourselves we are denying the Atonement saying that it was not good enough for us.  Christ loves us so much He did it for each of us.

Likely I would have more to say about this step if this were a different type of addiction and my addiction had hurt friends and family members for a long time, but the truth is there aren't many people hurt by it.  The biggest trial is learning and realizing that this character flaw will take time to overcome as I continue to pray and ask God to remove my weaknesses.  He has not removed them over night just because I humbled myself in Step 7.  It will take time and a continued effort to become the kind of productive person I want to be.  As my children get older and I stop getting pregnant it will likely help too, but I shouldn't just sit around waiting for that time to come.  For now, I feel at peace.  I accept the Atonement, and the forgiveness of God and allow it to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and continue moving forward.

Step 7: Humility. . . So, easy right?

Step 7: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove all your shortcomings.

Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another.  So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride.  Well, no.

"Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

"Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)

"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled."
(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)

I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it.  I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed.  If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility!  This is NEVER talked about.  My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction.  I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too.  Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable.  The reasons are not important to this blog.  I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this.  I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself.  This was never addressed.

Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine.  The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me.  However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself.  My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life!  I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride.  PEW! (I just blew my mind!)

The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness".  I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair"  and "your worthlessness".  As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!"  He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself.  I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME.  And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes.  Humility truly is the choice of being teachable.  God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it.  And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay.  I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!

Keep moving forward . . . Step 6: Change of Heart

Happy Easter everyone!  What better way to celebrate the resurrection of our Savior Jesus Christ, than by working on how to improve myself and take advantage of the opportunity He gave us to become better people through His atonement!

Step 6: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses.  This was harder than I thought it would be.  When I first read it I thought wasn't this what I did when I confessed to God?  Wasn't I sorrowful over the things I've done wrong, or haven't done right as the case may be, and therefore ready to have Him remove my character flaws.  But as time went on and my habits have not changed very much I saw that though I was sorry, and felt that burden of guilt lifted it didn't necessarily mean I was ready to completely give up my weaknesses to God.  I want to and I felt like it was impossible. Didn't this mean I would have to become perfect all at once, and such just is not the way things work.  I can't become perfect over night, therefore this step is impossible, and I can't move on to other steps till I am perfect.

Now I realize how wrong all this thinking was.  All I need to do for this step is be READY to give up my weaknesses.  That doesn't mean they are gone.  All it means is I have the desire and willingness to give them up.  It doesn't mean it has to happen over night, and it doesn't mean I can't move forward till I achieve perfection.  I'm ready.  I've reached the point that I want God's help to remove my flaws and weaknesses.

I've recently been able to think more clearly on things like this and I think I owe a great deal of that to my 17 month old son who is finally sleeping through the night in a separate room.  Thus I am finally getting the sleep I need to be sane and motivated during the day!  Go Figure!  Ahhh.  :)  Maybe now I can make the progress that had been put on hold because all I had the energy to do was get by and survive each passing day.