Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another. So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride. Well, no.
"Most of
us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness,
arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the
heart, or core, is still missing.
"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.
"Pride
is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s.
When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and
not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things
which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)
"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled."(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)
I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it. I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed. If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility! This is NEVER talked about. My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction. I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too. Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable. The reasons are not important to this blog. I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this. I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself. This was never addressed.
Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine. The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me. However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself. My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life! I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride. PEW! (I just blew my mind!)
The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness". I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair" and "your worthlessness". As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!" He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself. I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME. And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes. Humility truly is the choice of being teachable. God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it. And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay. I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!
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