Last night we studied step 10, but I haven't quite finished step 9, so these are my thoughts on some of the discussion we had in class. No steps just reflection on progress, addictions in general and the total awesomeness of this program!
Through this whole journey I have still been using Facebook, and there has been a part of me that wasn't sure if I was really honestly working on my addiction. I was completing all the steps sincerely and they didn't seem to change the fact that I have friends there and enjoy interacting with them. A man in class argued with me that since my addiction is just as real for me as any other is for anyone else I need to give up Facebook completely. An alcoholic has to give up going to bars, a porn addict has to give up the internet. . . or set parental controls, a smoker has to give up cigarettes, so it's only right and makes sense that I should have to give up Facebook. . . in his mind. Up until confronting him last night I wondered in the back of my mind if this was true.
There are two points to be made, one is that ultimately this isn't a Facebook addiction it is a Slothfulness addiction and Facebook happens to be my current method of choice to be slothful with. If the only thing I did was give up Facebook I would merely replace it with TV or games on my tablet or cell phone. What I needed to learn was better time management. The next point is that Facebook does enrich my life and the lives of those I interact with there, and TV or games do not. Are there ever any circumstances in which porn, drinking, or smoking is uplifting and edifying? NOT A CHANCE! But there have been many times when Facebook has been uplifting and edifying for me over the past couple months.
The beauty of the twelve step program is that it focuses on changing the inner vessel. I kept waiting for the step that was "Give up doing whatever you are addicted to." But that wasn't the title of any of the steps. They talked in the reading about ways you should be making progress with the addiction by the time you get to that step, but the focus of each step was on me, not on my addiction. Until we change our hearts we have no hope of overcoming our addictions, or our favorite sins. Everyone has a favorite sin that keeps them from God that they don't want to give up. When we follow not only the little repentance steps we learned as children but follow the more intensified version in the addiction recovery program it allows Christ to change our hearts. He will help us find joyful uplifting ways to meet our emotional or physical needs that we think are being met by whatever favorite sin we have. The drinker will no longer WANT to go to a bar after his heart has been changed. The smoker will no longer crave cigarettes. The porn addict will not longer crave porn. My husband was once a porn addict and I trust him to pay bills online, and use a smartphone! GASP! Why do I trust him? I can see the ways his heart has changed. I can see in his countenance that he is a different man through the atonement of Christ. Until our hearts have changed all other changes are only on the surface and relapse back to our sin is inevitable.
I have changed a lot over the past several months. I am no longer the woman I was when I started this blog. I have given up those aspects of Facebook that did not enrich my life. It no longer feels like the most important thing in my life. My life is more well rounded. I still don't love doing laundry, but it gets done anyway, and I joy in pleasing my God and my husband and children.
The argument with the man in class finally ended when he asked me if I feel okay about my Facebook use even when I pray about it. With a clear conscience and a peaceful heart I was able to answer "Yes." In that moment I knew that, though I haven't prayed this specific prayer, I have prayed many others and I felt at peace that I am no longer controlled by my Facebook addiction. I am the one in control and God knows my heart and has changed my heart. It was hard for me to see it because I couldn't seem to tell if I had overcome this or not. I was still using Facebook after all. But I have learned healthier ways of meeting my needs and I have learned to limit my time there, and I have learned to limit the things I use Facebook for to just those things that are beneficial to my life.
Our hobbies can be good healthy things, but they need not rule our lives. When we become the ones in control and the important things get done first we are no longer addicted to slothfulness. We are simply people with a hobby.
I love this post, thanks for it. I have a couple of thoughts though. I don't know that the man in your group is necessarily right, truly. I'm not siding with him. My thoughts are based on what you said, not what he said.
ReplyDeleteI feel a sense of justifying and rationalizing going on with the facebook use. I have learned through my recovery that it is sometimes necessary to give up things that are 95% good just to get rid of the 5% bad. The bad was what was triggering me and tainting my light.
Another thought is that with addiction, our dopamine thresholds are extremely elevated during active addiction. Not only that, but our frontal lobes (judgement center) are shrunk and damaged to the point that we lose the ability to make sound decisions.
Knowing this, if it were me, I might consider taking a leave of absence from things that completely consume me or trigger me just for a time, to give my dopamine threshold time to reset to a more normal level. This usually takes 6 months or so when really working recovery and maintaining abstinence at the same time.
I know that sounds scary. There are certain things I had to give up that I thought I couldn't live without. But the fact is I could. And the fact was that the 5% that was bad, was keeping me from my Heavenly Father... it was a wedge that separated us. So as hard as it was, it was best to let it go.
Just my thoughts....:-)