Well, last week at class they were on Step 8. Since I had already done it I had the chance to share the insights I've had that were in my past couple posts. So I thought I would just stay ahead of the class and do Step 9 but I yesterday was about the worst Sunday I've had for a while. I didn't get anything out of the talks or lessons at church thanks to my 17 month old boy, and in the afternoon and evening my husband had to work so I wasn't able to have any alone time for personal study and blogging.
Now the kids are eating and watching cartoons. As much as I hate resorting to TV sometimes I just need my own time and it's the only way to get it. So recently I've been noticing that I have less desire to spend time online. I still get on now and then, but don't spend near the hours that I used to. I've started looking for more ways to get out of the house and spend time with other mothers locally. Having planned outings gives more structure to my day, and limits the time I have for chores. Having LESS time for chores actually makes me more motivated to do them. I found that just knowing I only have the morning, or only the afternoon, and not all day, I spend my time more wisely. Also getting out and meeting other mothers has helped me feel less lonely, and less loneliness means I no longer NEED Facebook to fill any voids in my life. Facebook can be what it is meant to be - a means of communicating and connecting with people. It is no longer my main source of adult interaction, and comfort through my struggles. I no longer sit reading and rereading posts and comments, then commenting and waiting to see how many people "like" my comments and what they respond. I check up on what's going on and might make a comment or two, but no longer obsess over every little thing that is written.
I still feel like my house is a disaster zone, but much of that is due to having toddlers I just can't keep up with right now. I have 6 weeks till my due date, and have been rather tired. Unfortunately toddlers don't slow down just because their mother is in the third trimester with their soon to be new sibling. Hopefully I can get it more under control in a few years after I'm done having, nursing, and potty training babies! I'm starting to accept that I just can't have a perfect house and have toddlers at the same time. While diligence and hard work are important, it is also important for my goals to be realistic to the current situation of my family. How is it their tiny short little legs can run so much faster than me?!?!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Step 8: Seeking Forgiveness - Don't forget to forgive yourself
In Step 7 I humbled myself and allowed God to teach me things I needed to learn to move forward. Now it is time to seek forgiveness. So who do I need to seek forgiveness from? My addiction never caused me to commit crimes, or engage in abusive behavior. My family has been hurt somewhat perhaps, but my children are happy and provided for, and my husband never had a problem with a messy house like I did. Ultimately I am the one I need to seek forgiveness from. It is now time to extend to myself the Charity I so readily extend to everyone else.
"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). This applies just as much to our dealings with ourselves as it does our dealings with others. ". . . of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10). By forgiving ourselves we allow the Atonement to have force in our lives to heal us and prepare us to return to God again. By not forgiving ourselves we are denying the Atonement saying that it was not good enough for us. Christ loves us so much He did it for each of us.
Likely I would have more to say about this step if this were a different type of addiction and my addiction had hurt friends and family members for a long time, but the truth is there aren't many people hurt by it. The biggest trial is learning and realizing that this character flaw will take time to overcome as I continue to pray and ask God to remove my weaknesses. He has not removed them over night just because I humbled myself in Step 7. It will take time and a continued effort to become the kind of productive person I want to be. As my children get older and I stop getting pregnant it will likely help too, but I shouldn't just sit around waiting for that time to come. For now, I feel at peace. I accept the Atonement, and the forgiveness of God and allow it to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and continue moving forward.
"Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven" (Luke 6:37). This applies just as much to our dealings with ourselves as it does our dealings with others. ". . . of you it is required to forgive all men" (D&C 64:10). By forgiving ourselves we allow the Atonement to have force in our lives to heal us and prepare us to return to God again. By not forgiving ourselves we are denying the Atonement saying that it was not good enough for us. Christ loves us so much He did it for each of us.
Likely I would have more to say about this step if this were a different type of addiction and my addiction had hurt friends and family members for a long time, but the truth is there aren't many people hurt by it. The biggest trial is learning and realizing that this character flaw will take time to overcome as I continue to pray and ask God to remove my weaknesses. He has not removed them over night just because I humbled myself in Step 7. It will take time and a continued effort to become the kind of productive person I want to be. As my children get older and I stop getting pregnant it will likely help too, but I shouldn't just sit around waiting for that time to come. For now, I feel at peace. I accept the Atonement, and the forgiveness of God and allow it to soften my heart so I can forgive myself and continue moving forward.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Step 7: Humility. . . So, easy right?
Step 7: Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove all your shortcomings.
Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another. So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride. Well, no.
(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)
I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it. I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed. If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility! This is NEVER talked about. My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction. I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too. Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable. The reasons are not important to this blog. I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this. I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself. This was never addressed.
Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine. The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me. However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself. My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life! I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride. PEW! (I just blew my mind!)
The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness". I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair" and "your worthlessness". As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!" He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself. I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME. And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes. Humility truly is the choice of being teachable. God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it. And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay. I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!
Everyone says that humility is the opposite of pride, and pride is thinking you are better than everyone else for one reason or another. So logically I've figured I have this humble thing down, because I've thought myself to be worthless and unlovable for most of my life, and that's obviously the opposite of pride. Well, no.
"Most of
us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness,
arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the
heart, or core, is still missing.
"The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.
"Pride
is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s.
When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and
not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things
which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21.)
"Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled."(Ezra Taft Benson, "Beware of Pride" April 1989 General Conference)
I had read this talk several times before, but until now in my study and attempt to implement humility into my life as part of the addiction recovery program I didn't get it. I don't think he talks about what I am about to say, but I feel in my heart it is true and needs to be addressed. If pride is based on enmity and enmity is hatred or hostility, then hating yourself, and thinking yourself to be worthless is a form of pride NOT humility! This is NEVER talked about. My husband's addiction was based in self-hatred and when he was able to forgive and then love himself he was able to overcome the addiction. I couldn't see it till now, but I think mine is based in self-hatred too. Not over past mistakes like his was, but over years of belief that I was unlovable. The reasons are not important to this blog. I went to counseling for several years and thought I had overcome this. I came to accept that my husband loved me, and then that others did and could as well, but I now think it was still buried inside that I need to love myself. This was never addressed.
Charity, the pure love of Christ, has always been a gift of mine. The ability to see others as God sees them and love them the way He does and empathize with them, has been a great blessing in my life and the lives of those around me. However I never seemed to extend the same charity toward myself. My mistakes no matter how small were inexcusable. My efforts to achieve anything were never good enough. No wonder I distract myself from life! I will never be good enough for myself! And I always thought this meant I was the most humble person ever, but it was really a form of pride. PEW! (I just blew my mind!)
The scriptures talk about, "the depths of humility", and "your nothingness" when compared to "God's greatness". I think many women (and possibly men) like myself are easily deceived by Satan's counterfeit for these, "the depths of despair" and "your worthlessness". As I make these realizations I feel God smiling down on me saying, "Yes! She finally gets it!" He loves me. I am worth loving, even by myself. I am worth so much that God sacrificed His only Son to save ME. And this is NOT pride, this is me finally being humble enough to allow God to teach me about my own worth in His eyes. Humility truly is the choice of being teachable. God will help me remove my character flaws and weaknesses because I am worth it. And because of my nothingness I can't do it alone, but that is okay. I am nothing, but I am still worth it to God!
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Keep moving forward . . . Step 6: Change of Heart
Happy Easter everyone! What better way to celebrate the resurrection of
our Savior Jesus Christ, than by working on how to improve myself and
take advantage of the opportunity He gave us to become better people
through His atonement!
Step 6: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. This was harder than I thought it would be. When I first read it I thought wasn't this what I did when I confessed to God? Wasn't I sorrowful over the things I've done wrong, or haven't done right as the case may be, and therefore ready to have Him remove my character flaws. But as time went on and my habits have not changed very much I saw that though I was sorry, and felt that burden of guilt lifted it didn't necessarily mean I was ready to completely give up my weaknesses to God. I want to and I felt like it was impossible. Didn't this mean I would have to become perfect all at once, and such just is not the way things work. I can't become perfect over night, therefore this step is impossible, and I can't move on to other steps till I am perfect.
Now I realize how wrong all this thinking was. All I need to do for this step is be READY to give up my weaknesses. That doesn't mean they are gone. All it means is I have the desire and willingness to give them up. It doesn't mean it has to happen over night, and it doesn't mean I can't move forward till I achieve perfection. I'm ready. I've reached the point that I want God's help to remove my flaws and weaknesses.
I've recently been able to think more clearly on things like this and I think I owe a great deal of that to my 17 month old son who is finally sleeping through the night in a separate room. Thus I am finally getting the sleep I need to be sane and motivated during the day! Go Figure! Ahhh. :) Maybe now I can make the progress that had been put on hold because all I had the energy to do was get by and survive each passing day.
Step 6: Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses. This was harder than I thought it would be. When I first read it I thought wasn't this what I did when I confessed to God? Wasn't I sorrowful over the things I've done wrong, or haven't done right as the case may be, and therefore ready to have Him remove my character flaws. But as time went on and my habits have not changed very much I saw that though I was sorry, and felt that burden of guilt lifted it didn't necessarily mean I was ready to completely give up my weaknesses to God. I want to and I felt like it was impossible. Didn't this mean I would have to become perfect all at once, and such just is not the way things work. I can't become perfect over night, therefore this step is impossible, and I can't move on to other steps till I am perfect.
Now I realize how wrong all this thinking was. All I need to do for this step is be READY to give up my weaknesses. That doesn't mean they are gone. All it means is I have the desire and willingness to give them up. It doesn't mean it has to happen over night, and it doesn't mean I can't move forward till I achieve perfection. I'm ready. I've reached the point that I want God's help to remove my flaws and weaknesses.
I've recently been able to think more clearly on things like this and I think I owe a great deal of that to my 17 month old son who is finally sleeping through the night in a separate room. Thus I am finally getting the sleep I need to be sane and motivated during the day! Go Figure! Ahhh. :) Maybe now I can make the progress that had been put on hold because all I had the energy to do was get by and survive each passing day.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Personal Struggles . . . and Step 5: Confession
I missed a couple weeks of class and tried keeping up on my own, but was so busy I had a very hard time. I wasn't able to blog because of how busy things got there for a while, and I've noticed that it has made it much harder for me to progress through the steps without writing about them and having that accountability to someone. I stopped making goal lists, and I can't seem to move on to steps 6 and 7 where the class is now. I really don't want to fall too far behind the class, but I fear that I might. I've been having a lot of trouble with some personal things with my children which have been a big distraction from my addiction and this blog. And likewise I have turned to my addiction to relieve the stress of dealing with my children. I was on my Facebook app on my phone so much I decided to uninstall it. Then I didn't even make it a day or two before downloading a Sudoku app to replace it. Yesterday my husband asked me what was with me playing Sudoku all the time now. I said, "I don't know. . . Just something to distract me I guess."
He said, "I think you are addicted to distractions." To which I agreed. Once I have the strength to admit something is a problem and give it up I just find something else (of equal or lesser value) to replace it with.
Ultimately I think I need more support. I don't dare tell my husband that he just isn't enough support for me right now, because it isn't his fault, and the poor man is doing the best he can working his tail off at two jobs just so we can barely scrape by. Our nearest family is an expensive 8 hour drive away, and I just get so lonely. Last night I asked my husband for a blessing and the last thing he said was that Heavenly Father is proud of me. My very first thought was, "I can't imagine why!" I am trying to accept this thought. That I AM working hard to care for and raise good children, and keep a good home. I HAVE done things that are worth being proud of. As young as they are I am doing my best to teach my children true principles and values.
So Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. Well ultimately I did this about the same time as I did Step 4. After I confessed here on my blog by writing my searching and fearless moral inventory I proceeded to pray and confess to God. I really poured out my soul to him, and as I did I felt my burden of guilt lifted. I made an appointment to talk to my bishop. After actually reading through Step 5 I felt that none of my sins really demanded confession to my bishop, and so I used it to talk to him about the many struggles I am facing right now and then I got a blessing from him. Steps 4 and 5 really felt like one step. I couldn't do Step 4 without naturally wanting to finish Step 5 as quickly as possible. Now if only Step 6 could be done so easily! But that's the topic for the next post.
He said, "I think you are addicted to distractions." To which I agreed. Once I have the strength to admit something is a problem and give it up I just find something else (of equal or lesser value) to replace it with.
Ultimately I think I need more support. I don't dare tell my husband that he just isn't enough support for me right now, because it isn't his fault, and the poor man is doing the best he can working his tail off at two jobs just so we can barely scrape by. Our nearest family is an expensive 8 hour drive away, and I just get so lonely. Last night I asked my husband for a blessing and the last thing he said was that Heavenly Father is proud of me. My very first thought was, "I can't imagine why!" I am trying to accept this thought. That I AM working hard to care for and raise good children, and keep a good home. I HAVE done things that are worth being proud of. As young as they are I am doing my best to teach my children true principles and values.
So Step Five: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. Well ultimately I did this about the same time as I did Step 4. After I confessed here on my blog by writing my searching and fearless moral inventory I proceeded to pray and confess to God. I really poured out my soul to him, and as I did I felt my burden of guilt lifted. I made an appointment to talk to my bishop. After actually reading through Step 5 I felt that none of my sins really demanded confession to my bishop, and so I used it to talk to him about the many struggles I am facing right now and then I got a blessing from him. Steps 4 and 5 really felt like one step. I couldn't do Step 4 without naturally wanting to finish Step 5 as quickly as possible. Now if only Step 6 could be done so easily! But that's the topic for the next post.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Step 4: Truth
Before getting into step four I think I'll talk about the progress I've been making with the addiction itself. Last week I was determined to have a good week. I really want to be ready for this coming baby and I want to be organized and on top of things so that I can focus more on the transition from two kids to three rather than having to focus on my problems and addiction. I want to overcome this at least for the most part before the baby gets here. So anyway, I was determined to focus on my goals and have good days every day so I could have a good week I was proud of. It started out great, and by the end of the week there were only a few goals that I had fallen short on by missing a day. Unfortunately this week has not had the same great start and now I have to play catch up. Our heater broke on Saturday, and I spent all Monday afraid to do different things I needed to do because I didn't want to be in the middle of it when the apartment maintenance men would show up. Well, they didn't come till the afternoon so I wasted my whole morning when I should have just conducted life as usual and if they interrupt so what. I had the wrong attitude about the whole thing and I have to make up for it now. I was even thinking of postponing this blog post, but then that would be one more thing on my list of things I need to catch up on. **sigh**
So. . . Step four. Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. I found myself thinking that because my addiction is not morally wrong in and of itself I don't really need to do this step. But upon further reflection neglecting the physical and emotional needs of your children is wrong in very many ways. Now I want to clarify. I never allowed my children to actually go hungry or be without any of their physical needs except on a short term basis while I checked something on Facebook and when I was done I saw that their needs were met. But what does this send as a message to my children? It says that Facebook is more important to me than they are. Well if this is the case, then I need to change my heart because that is wrong. If this is not the case then I need to change my actions to agree with what my values and my heart tell me. The thing I know for certain is that this is not the message I want my children to receive. I want them to know my priorities are God, then husband, then children, then chores. But what I know my priorities SHOULD be, and what they actually HAVE BEEN leaves a huge disparity. I want to fix this and ultimately that is why I joined the Addiction Recovery Class. I just don't know how to fix it completely. It seems when I have a week where I am great and successful in one aspect of my life I fall drastically short in another. Then when I work to improve the other I lose the progress I made in the first. I guess it's like the thought that they opened class with yesterday. It was about the fact that we can't be perfect all at once. No matter how much we might want to it is impossible. We can just make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today until eventually either before or after the end of this life we achieve perfection. Well, I think that's about as much of my inventory as it is appropriate to be public on this blog.
Next week my husband and I are planning a temple trip, and I may end up missing class. I have many issues I will be thinking and praying about on the trip, and so I don't know for sure when I will complete step five I may try to do it on my own without the class Wednesday morning and still get the blog out. We will just have to see what happens.
So. . . Step four. Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself. I found myself thinking that because my addiction is not morally wrong in and of itself I don't really need to do this step. But upon further reflection neglecting the physical and emotional needs of your children is wrong in very many ways. Now I want to clarify. I never allowed my children to actually go hungry or be without any of their physical needs except on a short term basis while I checked something on Facebook and when I was done I saw that their needs were met. But what does this send as a message to my children? It says that Facebook is more important to me than they are. Well if this is the case, then I need to change my heart because that is wrong. If this is not the case then I need to change my actions to agree with what my values and my heart tell me. The thing I know for certain is that this is not the message I want my children to receive. I want them to know my priorities are God, then husband, then children, then chores. But what I know my priorities SHOULD be, and what they actually HAVE BEEN leaves a huge disparity. I want to fix this and ultimately that is why I joined the Addiction Recovery Class. I just don't know how to fix it completely. It seems when I have a week where I am great and successful in one aspect of my life I fall drastically short in another. Then when I work to improve the other I lose the progress I made in the first. I guess it's like the thought that they opened class with yesterday. It was about the fact that we can't be perfect all at once. No matter how much we might want to it is impossible. We can just make today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today until eventually either before or after the end of this life we achieve perfection. Well, I think that's about as much of my inventory as it is appropriate to be public on this blog.
Next week my husband and I are planning a temple trip, and I may end up missing class. I have many issues I will be thinking and praying about on the trip, and so I don't know for sure when I will complete step five I may try to do it on my own without the class Wednesday morning and still get the blog out. We will just have to see what happens.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Step 3: Trust in God
Last week was step two, and it was about having hope and believing that God loves me enough to help me overcome my addiction. When I wrote about step two all I had was the desire to believe. Over the course of the week and after praying more about it, and other trials I've been going through right now, that desire to believe has grown into real faith. Sunday night I had a long talk with my mother and it helped me a lot to feel better about a trial that caused a huge relapse a couple weeks ago. It helped me get my motivation back to take care of myself, and achieve my other goals too. Then in group yesterday we talked about how God can love us no matter what we have done in the past. God loves us because He is perfect, not because of anything we did or didn't do. He is perfect and loves us perfectly regardless of our flaws and faults because he is our Father.
Thankfully this progress was enough to be ready for step three. Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Somehow once I had the faith that God loves me and will help me overcome this, deciding to turn my will over to Him seemed a natural progression. I feel as though this is what I have been working toward all along and something I've been striving for throughout my life. I think that turning my will over to God with regards to this addiction involves using prayer to help with problems I face rather than using Facebook as my go-to source for the solutions to my problems. I know that God knows me and my problems better than any Facebook friends ever will through even the most extensive post about them. I find that often I end up having to make further explanations in comments to correct false assumptions or answer questions and I end up more hurt and frustrated than I was before asking for advice from others there. God knows me and my problems perfectly and will never give me bad advice or judge me for asking. Continuing to strive for a clean home and maintaining healthy habits, rather than sitting around on the computer all day is another way to give my will to Him. These last things are goals I've already been working towards for the past couple months and will continue working on likely the rest of my life.
Thankfully this progress was enough to be ready for step three. Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Somehow once I had the faith that God loves me and will help me overcome this, deciding to turn my will over to Him seemed a natural progression. I feel as though this is what I have been working toward all along and something I've been striving for throughout my life. I think that turning my will over to God with regards to this addiction involves using prayer to help with problems I face rather than using Facebook as my go-to source for the solutions to my problems. I know that God knows me and my problems better than any Facebook friends ever will through even the most extensive post about them. I find that often I end up having to make further explanations in comments to correct false assumptions or answer questions and I end up more hurt and frustrated than I was before asking for advice from others there. God knows me and my problems perfectly and will never give me bad advice or judge me for asking. Continuing to strive for a clean home and maintaining healthy habits, rather than sitting around on the computer all day is another way to give my will to Him. These last things are goals I've already been working towards for the past couple months and will continue working on likely the rest of my life.
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