First here is just a little more background about me and my family.
I am the mother of two children with one more on the way. My oldest is a three-year-old girl, and the next is a one-year-old boy. My husband is working two jobs for now, until we get into a better financial position for him to go back to school and get training for a job that will pay enough on it's own to support us. I have a degree in Visual Art, and after my children are old enough I hope to be able to do something with it like selling art, or giving art lessons. We live in an apartment and to save money we use a Wonder Wash for our laundry and hang it to dry on a line in my daughter's bedroom. Otherwise it would be $3.00 per load in the coin operated machines in the basement provided by the apartment complex, which really adds up faster than you would think. We've been using the Wonder Wash for a good couple years now and have likely saved a good couple hundred dollars by doing so. So if you've wondered why I have to do laundry EVERY DAY in all my posts this is why. There is a limit to how much I can do at once. But I've found that IF I actually do one or two loads a day I CAN keep up. I only fall behind when I am slothful and neglect to do a little bit every day (or when the kids are sick and I have to clean puke or diarrhea out of clothes on top of the regular laundry).
Now that you understand about our laundry situation here is the sort of relapse I had on Saturday December 29.
For my church I am the secretary for the children's group called Primary for Children at Church age 3-12. I do a lot of the behind the scenes stuff for teachers and the Primary Presidency. The new year is always a busy time as I get things ready for the next year. The teachers get new books and I write a lesson schedule for them to follow over the year. I also get things ready for a new bulletin board surrounding the new theme for the year. So on Saturday I was trying to get all this together before my husband would leave for work. I wasn't able to finish everything so I had to have him leave the computer home. After finishing what I needed to do I ended up getting on Facebook and wasting time yet again. I did manage to get one load of laundry done when I really should have done two. And I did manage to clean the bathrooms which desperately needed it, but I could have used my extra free time doing things with the children and I didn't. Yet again I let them watch TV and I was on the computer. Granted they were both sick and it was cold outside so I wouldn't have taken them anywhere. But I could have been reading books with them, or SOMETHING. I'm sure I'll learn more activities to do with my children as I actually spend time trying to keep us occupied doing things together. Even though I knew what I was doing I couldn't seem to help it. The computer was right there and I just got sucked in. I couldn't seem to stop myself. And I did the same thing on Sunday, though I also used the computer to finally write our "Christmas" newsletter. So I was more productive than I used to be, but I spent way more Facebook time than I should have. This is proof to me, that I really NEED to have my husband take the computer. This shows me that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.
From the LDS Addiction Recovery program guide, Step one: Honesty "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable."
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Now that Christmas is over.
Dec. 26
With Christmas over I fear that my motivation will drop and the real withdrawal will set in. There's the after Christmas clean up, and catch up, and there's the newsletter that I was too involved in my computer addiction to write before Christmas. But I find my self wondering whether once I've checked these things off my list I will experience the real withdrawal that thus far I've been too busy to notice. I've already made some minor changes to my daily routine with my children and with my chores. I now spend a good half hour before bedtime singing songs, playing, and reading books with the children, where before I wanted the bedtime routine to be as short as possible so I could get back to wasting time doing the things I wanted to do. I've found it easier to make my husband's lunch before I put the kids to bed, so that when they go to bed I can too. I used to spend so much time on the computer that I would forget till after they were in bed and I'd be worn out but still need to get it done. I can work so much faster when I'm not half asleep.
Dec. 27
So yesterday I started out the day good with taking out the trash from all the wrapping and boxes, and also the kitchen trash, getting caught up on the dishes, and I did some tidying but before I got around to vacuuming and the laundry my husband was feeling sick and called in to work. So I did a quick grocery run to get the foods he felt like eating that would help him to not be so nauseous. Whenever he's sick he'll get to the point that he doesn't want to lay in bed any more, but doesn't feel like actually doing anything so we end up sitting and watching TV the rest of the day. Honestly when not at work my husband is addicted to TV. I never know how to tell him that I really should be getting the laundry and dishes done instead. So while I started out good with an empty sink and every intention to vacuum and do laundry I ended up with a full sink and the other chores not touched at all. I enjoy spending the time with my husband but at the end I always feel guilty. Hopefully today will go better than yesterday. He is still sick and staying home, so it's going to take a lot of discipline to stay productive and come up with good things for him to do when he's tired of sleeping. Does anyone else have this problem when your husband is home sick?
With Christmas over I fear that my motivation will drop and the real withdrawal will set in. There's the after Christmas clean up, and catch up, and there's the newsletter that I was too involved in my computer addiction to write before Christmas. But I find my self wondering whether once I've checked these things off my list I will experience the real withdrawal that thus far I've been too busy to notice. I've already made some minor changes to my daily routine with my children and with my chores. I now spend a good half hour before bedtime singing songs, playing, and reading books with the children, where before I wanted the bedtime routine to be as short as possible so I could get back to wasting time doing the things I wanted to do. I've found it easier to make my husband's lunch before I put the kids to bed, so that when they go to bed I can too. I used to spend so much time on the computer that I would forget till after they were in bed and I'd be worn out but still need to get it done. I can work so much faster when I'm not half asleep.
Dec. 27
So yesterday I started out the day good with taking out the trash from all the wrapping and boxes, and also the kitchen trash, getting caught up on the dishes, and I did some tidying but before I got around to vacuuming and the laundry my husband was feeling sick and called in to work. So I did a quick grocery run to get the foods he felt like eating that would help him to not be so nauseous. Whenever he's sick he'll get to the point that he doesn't want to lay in bed any more, but doesn't feel like actually doing anything so we end up sitting and watching TV the rest of the day. Honestly when not at work my husband is addicted to TV. I never know how to tell him that I really should be getting the laundry and dishes done instead. So while I started out good with an empty sink and every intention to vacuum and do laundry I ended up with a full sink and the other chores not touched at all. I enjoy spending the time with my husband but at the end I always feel guilty. Hopefully today will go better than yesterday. He is still sick and staying home, so it's going to take a lot of discipline to stay productive and come up with good things for him to do when he's tired of sleeping. Does anyone else have this problem when your husband is home sick?
Saturday, December 22, 2012
My First Breakthrough
With Christmas coming I was reflecting on my memories of Christmas growing up and what my favorite things were that I might want to pass on to my children. My oldest is now three and though she might not remember this Christmas forever she will remember it next year. Growing up my mom was also addicted to slothfulness, it took a different form, but was the same basic concept. She is also a hoarder. So my favorite Christmas memories are of singing carols in the car while we drove around to look at Christmas lights. I realized this was because our house was never clean, so the memories of home were less pleasant than those of driving around in the car. I want it to be different for my children.
I wanted to cook a nice dinner for Christmas Eve, then relax and enjoy the presents on Christmas Day. I looked around my house and knew it was no where near being in shape for the dream Christmas I wanted to give my daughter. The kitchen counters were dirty and full of stuff and in no way prepared for the big meal and my first ever turkey. The living room was such a mess I couldn't vacuum without doing some major tidying first, and of course there was the ever present laundry and dishes. My husband was getting ready for work and I was talking to him about it and thinking about the fact I could never get all this done in time for Christmas . . . at least not if I spend the entire time he is at work on the computer playing facebook games and reading blogs. I knew if the laptop was here I would not be able to resist it, like an alcoholic ready to work on overcoming his addiction but living at a winery or working at a bar. My husband offered to take the laptop with him. I took him up on it, and at one point before he left I was even thinking of taking it all back and keeping the laptop home. But I knew it was the only way I would be able to get the house ready in time for Christmas.
It was great! I started on laundry right away. While the laundry was soaking and washing I tidied the living room and even got it vacuumed. Typically while I do laundry I'll be on the computer too, and I even found myself automatically walking to where the computer typically is when I was done with a step of a chore. But without the computer there, I alternated with other chores instead. I got half my kitchen counter cleared off and cleaned, and finished two loads of laundry. My children were still watching TV, but they were also watching me work. They would leave the TV to come see what mommy was doing, and sometimes even to "help" with my chores.
That night my mother called and we talked for a while about our addiction to slothfulness. She went to an addiction recovery class at the encouragement of my sister, and felt so weird and out of place. She does cross stitch and watches Korean dramas all day rather than working and taking care of her house. When other people in the group said they were there for their addiction to drugs or alcohol she felt silly. I explained to her that for us it is every bit as real and difficult to overcome as any other addiction, and maybe harder, because the things we are doing aren't in and of themselves BAD. I have actually helped other people on Facebook. She has made some beautiful gifts with her cross stitch. It's when these things take priority over our regular lives that it becomes damaging. My conversation with my mother helped solidify my resolve to overcome this and make my family my priority.
The next day I decided to start this blog. In the morning I got on, set it up, and wrote my first entry. Then I put the laptop in it's case and got to work. Another load of laundry, the other half of the kitchen counter, the stove, and oven, and around 4pm I wasn't sure what to do next. Which is usually when, even on a motivated day, I would turn to my computer addiction. Instead I took the kids out for some fresh air. They played in the play area by our apartment, then we went to the store for just the handful of things we were running low on. It felt great! I got all that work done and had time to enjoy some fresh air.
I will continue to have my husband take the laptop with him when he leaves for his day job, but even with that, I will be limiting my time to just what it takes to write this blog. I check Facebook from my phone now, since it cannot access the games, plus the tiny phone keyboard is such a bother I never stay on for very long. I hope my journey can help the others out there who like me have trouble staying motivated, or just wasting time on things that don't matter as much as our own families and homes. We shouldn't cut out our hobbies completely. They DO enrich our lives and keep us sane. But we NEED to place limits on them so we don't become slothful.
I wanted to cook a nice dinner for Christmas Eve, then relax and enjoy the presents on Christmas Day. I looked around my house and knew it was no where near being in shape for the dream Christmas I wanted to give my daughter. The kitchen counters were dirty and full of stuff and in no way prepared for the big meal and my first ever turkey. The living room was such a mess I couldn't vacuum without doing some major tidying first, and of course there was the ever present laundry and dishes. My husband was getting ready for work and I was talking to him about it and thinking about the fact I could never get all this done in time for Christmas . . . at least not if I spend the entire time he is at work on the computer playing facebook games and reading blogs. I knew if the laptop was here I would not be able to resist it, like an alcoholic ready to work on overcoming his addiction but living at a winery or working at a bar. My husband offered to take the laptop with him. I took him up on it, and at one point before he left I was even thinking of taking it all back and keeping the laptop home. But I knew it was the only way I would be able to get the house ready in time for Christmas.
It was great! I started on laundry right away. While the laundry was soaking and washing I tidied the living room and even got it vacuumed. Typically while I do laundry I'll be on the computer too, and I even found myself automatically walking to where the computer typically is when I was done with a step of a chore. But without the computer there, I alternated with other chores instead. I got half my kitchen counter cleared off and cleaned, and finished two loads of laundry. My children were still watching TV, but they were also watching me work. They would leave the TV to come see what mommy was doing, and sometimes even to "help" with my chores.
That night my mother called and we talked for a while about our addiction to slothfulness. She went to an addiction recovery class at the encouragement of my sister, and felt so weird and out of place. She does cross stitch and watches Korean dramas all day rather than working and taking care of her house. When other people in the group said they were there for their addiction to drugs or alcohol she felt silly. I explained to her that for us it is every bit as real and difficult to overcome as any other addiction, and maybe harder, because the things we are doing aren't in and of themselves BAD. I have actually helped other people on Facebook. She has made some beautiful gifts with her cross stitch. It's when these things take priority over our regular lives that it becomes damaging. My conversation with my mother helped solidify my resolve to overcome this and make my family my priority.
The next day I decided to start this blog. In the morning I got on, set it up, and wrote my first entry. Then I put the laptop in it's case and got to work. Another load of laundry, the other half of the kitchen counter, the stove, and oven, and around 4pm I wasn't sure what to do next. Which is usually when, even on a motivated day, I would turn to my computer addiction. Instead I took the kids out for some fresh air. They played in the play area by our apartment, then we went to the store for just the handful of things we were running low on. It felt great! I got all that work done and had time to enjoy some fresh air.
I will continue to have my husband take the laptop with him when he leaves for his day job, but even with that, I will be limiting my time to just what it takes to write this blog. I check Facebook from my phone now, since it cannot access the games, plus the tiny phone keyboard is such a bother I never stay on for very long. I hope my journey can help the others out there who like me have trouble staying motivated, or just wasting time on things that don't matter as much as our own families and homes. We shouldn't cut out our hobbies completely. They DO enrich our lives and keep us sane. But we NEED to place limits on them so we don't become slothful.
Friday, December 21, 2012
My life as an addict
Seeing the title of this blog you might think I'm crazy to say that I have an addiction to slothfulness. I thought my sister was when she told me she was going to an addiction recovery class for her addiction to procrastination. But I had a breakthrough and realized it was an addiction and I couldn't overcome it on my own. But that will be my next post.
Here is what my life was like as an addict. My house was never clean, except for company. And that was always a stressful time getting it ready for company. My children watched TV all day and I justified it because we would use Netflix so it was commercial free and I had full control of the content. This is better than what some parents do for their children, but it is still teaching my children from an early age that it is okay to be lazy and sit around doing nothing all day. I was also teaching this by example. While they watched TV I would be on the computer playing facebook games, reading blogs and interacting with my facebook friends. These things are not bad in and of themselves, but when taken to excess they were debilitating. I always was behind on things like laundry and dishes. My sink and hamper were always full. This made me depressed and I used the computer as an escape from reality. Sound like some other addictions you know of?
Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
My computer use was to a point that it was harmful to me and my family. I would rather be on the computer than interacting with my children. The guilt of knowing how much time I was wasting lead me to spend yet more time on the computer to escape these feelings. My house got messy and out of control, and I used the computer to escape from that too. It might sound silly at first to say I'm addicted to slothfulness, but realize that for me this was every bit as powerful and hard to overcome as any other addiction, and in some ways worse. There are no studies that I know of to back me up here, no psychological diagnoses. Only studies about obesity and fitness and health which I also don't fit into. With every feeling of guilt and depression I would continue using the computer as an escape and never face my problems like I needed to. My children were not very well behaved because they craved real attention. My husband would come home from a long hard day at work, and find our home in a worse state than it was when he left, and I would be depressed so he wouldn't say anything to me about it. He had worked on improving himself and had become the wonderful man I had always wanted him to be over the past year, and now it's my turn to work and become a better wife and mother.
Here is what my life was like as an addict. My house was never clean, except for company. And that was always a stressful time getting it ready for company. My children watched TV all day and I justified it because we would use Netflix so it was commercial free and I had full control of the content. This is better than what some parents do for their children, but it is still teaching my children from an early age that it is okay to be lazy and sit around doing nothing all day. I was also teaching this by example. While they watched TV I would be on the computer playing facebook games, reading blogs and interacting with my facebook friends. These things are not bad in and of themselves, but when taken to excess they were debilitating. I always was behind on things like laundry and dishes. My sink and hamper were always full. This made me depressed and I used the computer as an escape from reality. Sound like some other addictions you know of?
Addiction: compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly : persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
My computer use was to a point that it was harmful to me and my family. I would rather be on the computer than interacting with my children. The guilt of knowing how much time I was wasting lead me to spend yet more time on the computer to escape these feelings. My house got messy and out of control, and I used the computer to escape from that too. It might sound silly at first to say I'm addicted to slothfulness, but realize that for me this was every bit as powerful and hard to overcome as any other addiction, and in some ways worse. There are no studies that I know of to back me up here, no psychological diagnoses. Only studies about obesity and fitness and health which I also don't fit into. With every feeling of guilt and depression I would continue using the computer as an escape and never face my problems like I needed to. My children were not very well behaved because they craved real attention. My husband would come home from a long hard day at work, and find our home in a worse state than it was when he left, and I would be depressed so he wouldn't say anything to me about it. He had worked on improving himself and had become the wonderful man I had always wanted him to be over the past year, and now it's my turn to work and become a better wife and mother.
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